Looking for the Profound

My name is Kellie and I am afflicted with the worst kind of perfectionism. It's just my personality, no big deal, just my very fundamental make-up, so it should only take a lobotomy to solve. Sheesh. But that's the thing. I'm ready to move on from this particular life challenge. A lobotomy is not sounding so bad right now. I'm halfway through my life and I'm getting impatient to see some RESULTS for crying out loud. Or figure out how to just be this way and do what I need to do and stop doing the things I want to stop doing. Sometimes, among the folks I know well, I feel so undisciplined, so lame, frankly.  About important things. One could say it's my choice about whether to feel lame or not, and everyone has their challenges and all that, but seeing others succeed at specific things I feel like I'm failing at (or maybe not failing at, but just dog-padding around at) is hard. It's actually really hard. It makes me want to quit trying as simultaneously out of the other side of my brain comes a mental scream of frustration about wanting to change.

But see,  with the desire to change comes the looming problem of that perfectionism.

Because It Is Not the kind that spurs me on to ambition and greatness, no. I have the kind that paralyzes and weighs me down. I see how I want things to be and then see just as clearly the fact that such a scene will never materialize the way I imagine it and so I stay stuck in the moment, staring, and eventually the vision fades from my view and I go back to my book.

All her life has she looked away... to the future, to the horizon. Never her mind on where she was. Hmm? What she was doing. She is reckless. 

Holy Cow. I'm quoting Yoda.

There is no try. There is only Do. 

Or Do NOT. 

That's how I feel sometimes. Guess which one I pick too much of the time?

Fortunately there are other sources of answers.

Today as part of my Sabbath worship, I was focusing on and praying about trying to get better at this perfectionism thing, to be able to move smoothly from thinking about a project to planning it to finishing it, instead of just dreaming about it or worse, jumping in half-cocked and recklessly starting without thinking it through, Skywalker-style. Like poor Luke, those seem to be my two settings. Stuck or Careening. Not the two best buttons to have. Smooth Forward Motion sounds better, but I don't seem to have that one on my dashboard.

Because my Heavenly Father loves me, and because I do occasionally remember that Yoda is a muppet,  some real insight came, as it usually does. It came from the mind and heart of a good friend. That was cool. In a very immediate and specific way, which was even cooler. So often prayers are answered through other people. Along with the insight came some peace. Peace that I'm probably only a maniac in my own mind. That if my maniac does show on the outside, apparently I've been blessed with friends who forgive me and love me anyway.  That it actually might take another 45 years, darn it, but that's okay. That my me-ness has its advantages. That at least I understand all the other folks who feel lame, right? Here is your shoulder to cry on, oh lame-feeling friend. I totally get you.

Come and let's put our arms around each other and cry and laugh and then get on with it. The trying. The never giving up. The remembering that an inner Skywalker is not so bad, in her way.

Oh, and reading this. Maybe every 10 minutes or so until it sinks in.

Book Review: The Night Circus

By Erin Morgenstern
Fiction, Fantasy
You might like this book if you enjoy stories about magic, romance, and mystery. This book has all three.

I started reading this last fall without knowing too much about it, then put it down for other pursuits. This past month, it was chosen for my book group read and so I picked it up and finished it.

It is the story of a game, the players, their pawns and their game board. The game is an old one, but without a clear outcome other than to overcome. The players are old adversaries, one of which has no heart or soul, and the other of which is only a little better. Their pawns are two orphans who must live this game for their entire lives. The game board is the eponymous circus. The pawns in the game must outdo each other in magical prowess within the confines of the circus.

The prose is spare and elegant, almost whispered, and the visual impact of the author's descriptions is powerful. The world of magic created by Miss Morgenstern is Victorian in age and costume, and reminds me a bit of the atmosphere of Stroud's brilliant Bartimaeus books. 

I liked this book for a lovely, imaginative escape from my very non-magical world. It has some interesting themes, including greed, overcoming one's circumstances, and the power of love. The plot is clever and takes some concentration to follow, but that kept me genuinely intrigued until the very end.

I hope to see more of the author's work in the future.

Night Walk

The other night I took an evening walk. I started out just as dusk was falling and had my first glimpse of this season's fireflies. My walks often take me through the surprisingly deep woods along the paths near my home and the fireflies were like fairies dancing among the grasses in the clearings. It was so beautiful, and a photo could never really capture it, so I just want to remember the lush green, lit up with sparkles of gold and a 3/4 moon so bright it cast shadows on the path as the light faded to velvety black.

I left the forest and took the paths into the neighborhoods to make use of streetlights and porchlights as darkness really settled in. It was completely engrossing to follow this network, so familiar in the daytime, and look for clues to know how to come out of the woods in the right place. I ended up on the familiar street where my friends live and was able to walk home up the 2 miles of main road. I love that these streets where I live have become so familiar that I can walk them in the dark and feel completely at home. It was a perfect oasis of quiet and focus in a busy, frenetic week.

The Daughter Graduates

Yesterday dawned summer-cool but with the promise of another day of summer-heat later on. After two solid days of cooking big dinners for the whole group and another busy day before that, I was ready for a quieter day and was rewarded for the most part, since the commencement ceremony would not be until 8 pm. I worked in the garden a bit before the full brutality of the rising temperature and humidity really set in, then slowly chipped away at the laundry and kitchen catch-up that are inevitably necessary when one has company. I even got a nap. My sister and her family came up from Tennessee and my parents and nephew came from Arizona to fill the house. The little children have turned the family room into legoland and I consider it theirs and largely beyond reclamation until after they leave, but I will not complain because once again hearing the sound of small boys plotting their fantastic voyages and marvelous adventures among the cushions of my couches is a precious thing.

Eric and I are camped in what we lovingly call the dungeon, which is our partially finished basement outfitted as a sort of dorm/bachelor pad/pretend guest room. It's a cool, dark, quiet space with plenty of room, and it is interesting to look at what we have stored down here. I'm very motivated, after looking at all these boxes up close for a week, to purge like the wind in the coming weeks. My folks have our room and Josh is installed comfortably in Evan's top bunk.

As I mentioned a couple of days ago, all this happy chaos is centered around Sara's graduation from high school, and friends, last night was the night! What a night. The theme really was happy chaos as we faced a fairly powerful thunderstorm during and after the ceremony. In the end, the cool breezes of a storm were highly preferable to 2 hours in the everloving heat and humidity, so it really wasn't that bad. My sister's wheelchair dictated that we sit at the back, just barely under the pavilion at Merriweather, and it was necessary to set up our umbrellas as the rain blew in. The temperature dropped so nicely that my sis got cold and the knitting I brought became an emergency blanket. Yep, that kinda night.

Our traditional photo-op on the hill by the trees and the Running Man sculpture was obliterated by the effort to just get everyone to the car without getting soaked because it was POURING afterward. We decided to convene at Wendy's for Frostys and photos only to find it closed. So Plan C became a whirlwind trip to Weis for many, many ice cream treats, then back home for the final celebration. As Monday was a grand dinner with Sara's favorite desserts and all of that, this lesser celebration worked out just great and a fun time was had by all, not that the selection of ice cream wonders that we brought home could really be called lesser, for heaven's sakes!

Sara was resplendent in her gown with hair that is currently so long as to require adjectives such as luxuriant, amazing, striking and glorious. She looked happy and excited as she walked past the gauntlet of principals and local dignitaries. The symbolism of the moment was real and the ceremony mattered once again. She's on her way to making a life for herself that will be unique, exciting and completely self-wrought. She has always needed me only for the barest of scaffolding around her giant personality and independent spirit. Now her eyes have opened a bit and she is considering going away to school, which of course brings extremely mixed feelings, better for another post sometime.

Now is the time to just celebrate, to just look at the smiles and look forward to the future. Here's to Sara!