Sunshine on My Shoulders

Why Have I Never Heard of This Woman??

2012-02-11T08:59:00.001-05:00

Being still down with a virus, I seem to have more time than usual for blogging. The good news is that my voice is somewhat back today. Must have been all those Swiss Herbal Cough Drops, eh?

The better news is that I have just discovered cooking author Pam Anderson. No, not that Pam Anderson (but do search the internet with caution). She blogs with her daughters over at 3MC. She has 7 cookbooks in print, writes for USA Today Weekend, Runner's World, and other major publications. The Pioneer Woman loves her. A lot of famous cooks love her, for that matter. She used to be an editor of Cooks Illustrated Magazine, for Pete's sake. That's the first place I look to find out anything about cooking.

I bought her weight-loss book on the recommendation of a friend and discovered that it is actually not about dieting. It recommends having afternoon tea and a cookie every day! And two breakfasts! As I was reading about her weight-loss journey, I felt hopeful and excited instead of filled with dread. I am heading over to the library today to get her book that is called Cook without a Book. That's my favorite way to cook! I'm curious to see what she writes about that approach.

Anyway, I'm excited to finally know who she is. As a sometime foodie-ish sort of person, at least one who collects cookbooks and recipes like crazy, I'm part peeved that I've missed out on her all this time and part excited that I get to experience her body of work in one big chunk.

Riiicccooolllaaa!!!

2012-02-10T09:18:00.000-05:00

I had a cold earlier in the week and it seemed to come and go pretty quickly but now I know it was just hiding. Now I'm all stuffed up again, my voice is completely gone and I feel pretty rotten today. My apologies to everyone with whom I interacted all week. I really thought I was better. The only thing that helps my throat are the eponymous Original Natural Herb Drops. Dang. I've basically cleared the schedule and have spent the last 2 hours doing something I never do: tooling around on Pinterest and Facebook. I think I've doubled my number of pins just today (I discovered color-themed boards-super fun!) and learned that valuable as it can be, Facebook is often just a big pain in the neck. Holy mindless surfing, Batman!

I need to get up and get going.

America is Awesome. It really Is

2012-02-10T00:42:00.000-05:00

I know. Things are crazy.
I know. It's hard to know what to believe or who to vote for or what is real.
I know a lot of people are having some serious, real hard times.
I know that there are a lot of bad, stupid people here in our fair land.

But really. America is still awesome. It is.
B'lieve Hon, as they say here in my hometown.
We can still speak our minds.
We are safer and more secure than a lot of folks in other countries.
As tough as things might be, you still can make your own opportunities. I still totally believe that.

Keep the faith our founders had, do your best, get involved in some meaningful way, find a way to make life better for someone else.

America will continue on.

And dang it, we have Castle. That has to count for something in the historical record.

(and I know. Nathan Fillion is Canadian. But he lives here now, hehe.)

Pen and Paper...and Pictures (of course)

2012-02-08T13:27:00.001-05:00

I have been doing a LOT of writing lately. Just none of it here. I thought I'd better remedy that. For various reasons I've been writing mostly with Pen and Paper. I know. So old fashioned. In spite of how much I love this little space and how much I love knowing that people care enough to read this, I really think I'll always have a paper journal. The act of writing is so important to me. It helps me unwind my constant tangle of thoughts into something useable, so it is necessary for me. I have been loving carrying this around with me all the time. It is the exact opposite of cute or fashionable, but it has everything I need. And though I'm not currently using one, I do love those slim Moleskines, and this just makes me want to click "add to cart." And oh yes, you must try this.

So anyway, why all the handwritten journalling? Part winter, part mental funkiness over some things that have been happening in the family, part being less busy for the last month than I have in a while, and a fairly big part as a result of some online art journaling classes I've been taking. I do like thumbing through journals, feeling that particular crispness of the pages, or seeing the art I've created.

My various journals, both written and altered, among my mom's
african violets, my heart rocks and,
in the middle, a plant I just received from a friend.
We were visiting her home while at the
cabin, mentioned how beautiful the plants were
and she just gave them away to any who
wanted one. I will treasure that plant.
Luckily, it's supposed to be easy to grow. :o)

All in all, everything is peachy. The wrestling season is almost over, with me now chunking through the processing of many thousands of photos for the guys and trying to get them put up on facebook. I do love it when one of those wrestlers makes one of my photos his profile picture. I love seeing my work on facebook sprinkled among my friends. It makes me happy and satisfied with my work to make an image that someone feels good about using to represent who they are.

This is not Ev, but one of his teammates.
It was one of the best moments of the season, though,
and one of my favorite wrestling photos ever.

The last weekend of January was The Beloved Weekend at the Cabin. I write about it every year and this year was exactly the same, which is awesome, and different in many ways, which is also awesome. I got to see and hear and talk to friends that I don't see very often. Pure sweetness. We had more special times with our Amish friends, which included watershed moments of singing songs in a one-room-schoolhouse and being sung to in return by 28 gorgeous kids. Whew, I'll never forget that. I'm almost glad we can't take photos of those good people because I really try to see the moments and remember the details. Oh it was a precious time.

Here we are. Some have been coming for twenty years.

It's been a creative and productive winter so far, and I've enjoyed the mild weather we've had. I even did a little work in the garden. I'm preparing to sprout some late seeds on my beautiful seed starting stand that Eric made for me a few years ago. I've been going through lots of boxes and deciding that if something is worth keeping, I want to enjoy it. So, pictures have been hung, photos have been framed and I'm happy for the daily reminders of good times and precious relationships.

A selection of my boys' tiny glasses from when they were small.
Some of them are nearly destroyed, but I like seeing how used
and real they are. These little objects were a major part of my
life as a mom.

How to Embarrass and Annoy Your Teenagers (in a good way)

2012-01-17T20:22:00.000-05:00

Be 45 years old and their parent (usually this is enough on its own)
Buy a cheap Ukelele.
Learn 4 or 5 chords.
Play it at every opportunity.
Enjoy.

Important disclaimer: If you want full eye-rolling and smirking, do not skip step 1, because if one of their friends or even another adult outside the family plays the Ukelele, it is quirky and cool.

All Kinds of Days Since My Last Post

2012-01-11T14:21:00.002-05:00

After that tender funeral, life went into a kind of suspended animation for the holidays. Christmas, New Year's, family time, late nights, sleeping in and the general relaxed routines of the last few weeks are all blended together into one, long, sweet, twinkly memory. Now the new year is properly here and I feel like I never gave the old one a really good send-off. Or told about was was actually a very happy late December. So here goes my long, sweet, twinkly post:

Jeff and Ashlyn came from Utah to stay for the whole break, which was a delight. She's just a doll--so game to come and spend two weeks at her in-laws for heaven's sake. That's a scary prospect at best but she was awesome. I admire her as a person more and more as I spend time with her. She is smart and fun and oh-so-good for my boy. He's awesome, too, but I already knew that. Ashlyn continues to make us smile as we build our relationship with her, and may it ever be so--yes please!

One sweet bonus of that funeral was three days with my sister from Arizona. We had some happy times together and I'm glad she could come all this way to see this good friend who had lost her dad. This sister is fifteen years younger than me and when she went with me to help me pick out new glasses, the optometrist thought she was my daughter. It has happened often throughout that girl's life. No worries, because if that means I resemble her in any way either physically or in spirit, I'm good with that. Because she is wonderful and I love her so very much.

Christmas itself was full of the anticipation and satisfaction of gift giving including surprises for everyone Even if they had done their own Christmas shopping, I managed to sneak in a few unexpected goodies. The big one for me was a snazzy convertible roadster--Eric picked it out as a surprise and it is SO fun to drive! We were already planning on getting another car, he was just nice enough to take care of the choosing and legwork and form-filling-out all by himself. Didn't he do a good job? Oh how we love our sporty Zoom Zoom car!

Santa came to us on Christmas Eve!

Three Kings with Attitude

During the week between Christmas and New Year's Day, there was much of sleeping in, dining out (CheeburgerCheeburger, Cafe Rio, Fogo de Chao), playing games, working, watching of television, talking and visiting, shopping and a couple of city outings. We made so much incredible food that I made everyone go for a walk in the woods at one point so we wouldn't actually explode from just sitting and eating for days at a time. All in all, I think it was good times. Everyone is smiling in all the photos at least, so we'll take them at face value. Seriously, it was a joy I can hardly express just to hear the kids all laughing together so often. Priceless. Amazing. Worth every minute of the last 25 years of motherhood.

Since I got my new phone in October, I have gotten into iPhonography and am having a blast figuring out how to get some really great shots with a camera that fits in my pocket and is slimmer than a candy bar, that also happens to be my phone, my calendar, and my music player. Pretty amazing, really. It is a very nice alternative to my DSLR, much as I love the big guy. There is virtually no shutter lag on the phone camera so it's sometimes more useful and fun than my little point and shoot. As they say, the best camera is the one you have with you, and I always have my phone. Here are some shots from a frosty morning walk in December. I was enjoying the rising sun shining on the crystals that had formed on every edge and thinking, dang, I wish I had my camera, then I realized that I did have a camera! I'm getting better at framing with the live view (hard for me since I'm used to a viewfinder), and the proportions of the images, but I like the quality a lot and think these photos are just dandy for what I'm using them for.

One early morning just after the new year, I left the house early to go do some cleaning at the temple and was rewarded with this view as I arrived. It was worth the effort just to see this grand building in the rising sun. Once again, iPhone to the rescue and I got the shots.

And so we arrive at today. 2012 is here. During this year my oldest son will turn 25, I will turn 46, my dad will turn 69 and my grandmother will turn 90. My 4th child will graduate high school. My youngest child will turn 16. Time dances on in the most surprising way. I am blessed with all I could ever ask for and am glad I took the time to write all this down.

A Moment for John

2011-12-23T00:49:00.002-05:00

I honestly can't remember not knowing John and his family. It feels like it has been my whole life even though I was probably more like 10 or 11 when I first met them.

John died this week after a grueling battle with cancer and I have memories in my mind and connections to moments in my life that are so important to me that this has been a tender week--this grief is etching itself onto my emotions with a sharpness I haven't felt since my Grandpa died a few years ago. John and his wife feel like family and I am sad he is gone from this life and that she has to be without him. I feel the actual sensation of my heart breaking a little bit each time a memory passes through my mind. He and she have always made me feel like I was the awesomest thing on the planet; like I was smart, capable and something special, and this from the time I was small up to the last time I saw him as an adult. The best compliment I can give them is that I think everyone who knows them feels exactly the same way I do. It's just excellent to be near either one of them.

Images flicker past like an old-fashioned film. He picked me up when I babysat his daughter (and fed his pet tarantula) and his former-cop driving was exciting to say the least. He hired me to work in his office when we had a youth service auction at church and I remember him telling me I could grow up and do anything I wanted. At that moment I believed him and felt my life's horizons open up a little. He was present at my marriage. He was a friend to my parents. He served me and my family at church. He helped out at countless youth conferences and activities. He always had a story to tell and to this day I can't drive to Harper's Ferry without Watching for Falling Rock and smiling to myself. My children have felt that same fondness that I always felt. He always looked like he was trying not to laugh out loud and his eyes actually did twinkle as that constant, just slightly suppressed smile played around his mouth. I heard him bear earnest testimony of his faith and his belief in the Savior. I heard him complement his wife in public and express his gratitude for her.

How grateful I am for the knowledge I have that God is good and that families and friendships exist and endure far beyond this fragile time on earth. In the meantime I will enjoy thinking of all the times this lovely gentleman made me smile and made the world just a little more interesting and rich.

The Story of the Irresistible Force and the Immoveable Object

2011-12-19T10:19:00.001-05:00

Once upon a time there was a huge list that all seemed to be priority 1 or 2. No 3's or 4's in the bunch. Add to that a huge holiday in 6 days, 2 dr. appointments, a funeral, 2 wrestling meets, 3 family members coming into town and all the usual stuff like laundry and cooking and breathing and sleeping and all that.

Yep, we're all there this week. Time is the irresistible force. 115 hours till Sunday. The List is the immoveable object. We all have one. So what are the options? There is really only one and that is to choose peace. Yes, choose it. It is something I have to do everyday. At times like this anxiety rises in my body like a flood and it threatens always to carry me, flailing, down a raging torrent, far from where I want to be.

Instead, I must choose peace.

While it seems a simplistic solution, it really entails everything. To choose peace is to acknowledge the Irresistible Force and the Immoveable Object, take note of the trajectory, and then step out of the path of the collision. Yep, I'm just going to move to higher ground. That is all I can do. The collision still happens so Yes, that means there be some carnage in the way of things undone, or done imperfectly. Packages will arrive after Christmas, but will contain just as much love on Monday as on Sunday. The daughter's trim and closet doors might not get painted till January and yes, the room might have to be partly dismantled again. That might be the best thing to happen so that I can sleep, or spend meaningful time with my sister and kids, or take the time to properly think about and honor the life of our dear friend who just died. The fridge and cars might have to wait another week to get cleaned and yes, I may feel embarrassed at how they look. So yes, stepping to higher ground doesn't mean that the stuff I fear won't happen. The force still meets the object, it just means I'm not in the way. I'm not getting shredded by the shrapnel. I'm watching, but I've got my kevlar body armor on and I am remembering that people, not things are important. Feelings and kindness expressed are more important than getting the list checked off.

So, here I go, putting on my playlists with names like "Favorite Christmas" and "Upbeat" and turning the speakers up loud and JUST. DOING. WHAT. I. CAN. With all the love in my heart.

Please have a Merry Week Before Christmas, friends.

And live happily now, ok? Ever after will take care of itself.

Happy News

2011-12-15T23:00:00.000-05:00

I got this email from my eldest son today. Holy cow, friends! I have a son who is a college graduate! I'm actually quite overcome. I love that he thought to capture this moment and share it with me. I'm so very proud of who he is becoming. It is a humbling thrill (is that combination even possible?) to think that I have had even the least part in that process.
Congratulations to Jeff for this accomplishment and to Ashlyn for being right there with him! We love you both so much!

Jeff

to Eric, me

I just graduated from college. Just figured I'd let you guys know. I love you both. Thanks for helping me become who I am today. This was my last assignment I had to email to my teacher, so I graduated at the click of a button. Seems appropriate in this day and age.

Jeff

Begin forwarded message:

From: Jeff <>
Date: December 15, 2011 8:27:32 PM MST
To: Jeffrey <>
Subject: Graduation

here it is

The Best Day

2011-12-06T00:42:00.001-05:00

Sunday was a day of Fasting in my faith. We spend a special day fasting once each month. In connection with that, at church in the main worship service, instead of the usual planned talks, congregants can go up as they feel prompted and share their unscripted testimony. It is always a personal, tender and inspiring meeting, and there is always a sense of the unknown because you just really never know what folks will say.

This time we got the surprise of our lives as a gentleman unfamiliar to all of us slowly revealed in a wonderfully-told story that he is acquainted with our missionary son Sam! He lives in California and Sam is serving in the man's hometown. We had no idea at all when he started telling his story and when he got to the moment where he spoke of Elder Nuss, I gasped out loud and began immediately to weep as I realized what he had just said. It was so electrifying and touching for me to have this moment of connection, to have the miles and the separation between me and my third son instantly fall away. This man had just had dinner with my boy last Wednesday night! He had a picture on his phone! He reported how things were going for Sam. It was brilliant. The tears are coming again just thinking about it. I can hardly put into words the sweet feelings that flooded through me as I thought of my son out there doing what he's doing. Not only is Sam well, but he's BEING everything I could ever wish for him to be. And I have an eyewitness account, a rare and sweet thing for the mom of a missionary. I realized yet again that what my children BECOME is what brings the best and most permanent joy. This was a pure moment of that best kind of joy.

The memory of that gift of a story has been like a warm air current carrying me up and up and up, then I soar down, remember again, smile and get carried up again.

I will forever grateful for this dear man taking time out of a very busy business trip to drive an hour out of his way to come to our little church meeting and bring such sweet tidings.

Thinking and Thanking

2011-11-27T13:52:00.001-05:00

I'm home from church today sitting with a cat that is about to pass from this life. We've had her about 11 years and she's a sweet little thing. We let our cats run inside and outside and one risk of that decision is disease, and she has one of the untreatables. So, she'll die soon after having lived a happy life full of lots of petting, snuggling, all the sunbeams she would ever want to lay within, plenty of fresh air, trees to climb, squirrels to bother and fireflies to chase. She used to follow my kids to school, right to the corner where they crossed with the crossing guard. They often reported that they would turn around and see her and she would stop and act all nonchalant, like she just happened to be there. A few minutes later she would show up at the door, give me a very pointed and salutatory look that always seemed to say, "Report: All is well, they made it to the crossing guard, " then sweep past me like she'd finished a secret mission and go take a nap. She was always loyal to us and the kids and it was a comfort to see her around.

She seems to be comfortable, just tired and ready to be free of her broken little body, and I didn't want her to be alone. I know. Many of my best friends are not animal people and may think I'm nuts to go on so about a kitty. I'm okay with that. I don't really understand a lot of things other people do, so it all evens out. I am one of those folks who easily connects with animals, perhaps because my own thought processes are so simple and basic and sometimes humans just wear me out. Animals just love you and appreciate you with complete trust. Even cats. It actually seems a little miraculous to me when a soft, friendly kitty comes and sits upon my chest and looks at me. I am certain she is telling me about her day and asking about mine. It's the closest I come to telepathic, wordless communication. I feel good and peaceful inside. So, it seems right to try and give this little orange gal some comfort and company in her final hours after she's been such a faithful companion to our family.

As I sit here, I have time to consider our lovely holiday weekend in Kentucky. We went there to celebrate Thanksgiving with two of my sisters and their families. The rest of our family was scattered hither and yon around the world, so it was good to be together with about 15 of us, plus my sister's in-laws. Thanksgiving just seems better to me with a big crowd.

All the traditions were observed with propriety. We made my mom's rolls and her sweet potatoes, the in-law's special stuffing (which was delicious), a parade of desserts both old and new, and all the other usual autumnal delicacies. We prayed and laughed and everyone helped out and the house was filled with noise and laughter and giving of orders and much moving of tables and washing of dishes. All as it should be.

There were photo shoots and hi-jinks and an excursion to a local light display. There were camel rides and baby yaks to pet and even a kangaroo. It was good times for all.

The 8-hour drive to and from was peaceful, yet again through the rolling hills of West Virginia and Western Maryland, and this time I got to just ride and listen to my book while the kids dozed and watched a movie or two. Travel now is easy, with everyone able to pack and carry all their own gear. That is a nice thing about this time of life and motherhood. No more frenetic traveling circus moments. We just...go.

Now we're back and the wonderful feeling of the holidays is here. The music has started playing, the house is getting stripped down in preparation for it's holiday finery, and we are making plans and joking about gifts. In spite of the marketplace doing its best to steal Thanksgiving from us by starting all the holiday sales even earlier, and in spite of the world being crazier and more upsetting by the minute, the feeling of the holidays prevails, if we choose to acknowledge it and ignore all the noise. It's possible.
I am thankful for so many, many things.

Here are a few of them:

9 of 26.5 grandchildren on my side

My Sis and BIL

What would a visit to a Christmas wonderland be without a train ride?

My niece really loved her camel ride.

Aerial view of the final prep before the big feast.

All ready to eat!

My other Sis and BIL. They obliged me with a very early, chilly photo shoot so I could practice some new techniques.

Hot tub + teen boys + free time = crazy hair, fun times and a wet lens. It was worth it.

The official Thanksgiving portrait, 2011
Kentucky

Light in November

2011-11-14T15:11:00.001-05:00

I am outside on this iconic Autumn afternoon
Warm breezes play with my hair
And leaves fill the air around me
Flying, spinning, floating everywhere
It is the same dance they do every year

But it always delights me like something brand new and miraculous

Soon we will shutter our doors and wrap ourselves up
And the light will flee ever southward
Leaving the great arms of trees reaching
Up into cloudy-grey skies
That I will see out of protecting windows

There is time yet for the stillness and cold of an Eastern winter

Today is yet mild, and all golden and green
Filled with rustle and movement
I am part of this great last breath
Before the seasons change again
And I will move inside

Laughter on a Sunday Evening

2011-11-06T00:03:00.000-04:00

We do this fun thing with my son and daughter-in-law which is that we skype with them every Sunday night. It's become a tradition and when we miss it, it matters. Tonight there was no skyping because they just moved into a new apartment and have no internet connection yet, but we all crowded around one phone on speaker and had some good old-fashioned breathless laughing together.

I mean HILARIOUS stuff.

I just recently had the chance to look up the definition of that word and one of the featured ones is "boisterously merry." Yes. That about covers it. And it did my heart good.

There were guffaws to be heard about everything from the usual sibling name-calling to the dishes Jeff was washing to their new-to-them car (a 1993 Buick Park Avenue free from Ash's grandma-tell me that is not a car worthy of some boisterous merriment when you are 24 and 21 years old!) to my husband's singing voice and back again to the name calling.

My kids laughing together will always be one of the best sounds my ears can hear.

A Grand Day

2011-11-05T08:59:00.001-04:00

Thanks to Eversave and a day off of school, yesterday we found ourselves in rural Lancaster County, PA, all rigged up and flying through foliage so beautiful it didn't seem real. Eric took the day off, the weather was amazing, our guides were perfect and all this combined to make a seriously fun memory. Standing 50 or 60 feet above the ground in the midst of this great Eastern forest that I love so much, with the leaves at their absolute most colorful, was an amazing experience. I'm so pleased it all worked out and that we could carve out this time together. I can enthusiastically recommend the Refreshing Mountain Camp as a great place to have a day out with your family.

Getting rigged up.

Waiting for the first zipline.

Evan gets attached. These guides were so
expert and smooth.

Sara gets ready to go.

After the first zipline we had to get across a ropes course.

Sara looks like she's floating in midair. Sometimes it felt
that way.

Spider Man

I was WAY out of my comfort zone, let me tell you, but
learning to rely on that magical yellow strap and step out into
the air was a good experience.

Eric makes it across the swings.

Our view standing IN the trees. I loved this part. In the
distance is our next platform.

Another view of the gorgeous surroundings. It was such a
cool experience to be in the canopy.

The sky was perfect.

The shadow of us on the platform against the other trees.

I think this is Eric getting ready to fly from the
platform in the top center of the image.

Our crew!

The view from the edge of the platforms.

Looking down to the ground from the last
platform.

Looking back up from the ground at the end
of the course.

The kids with our cute guides. They were high-quality
young men.

Yay 45!

2011-10-31T15:27:00.000-04:00

There are seasons to life, yes? For me, in my mid-forties, this metaphorical late Summer is multi-faceted. Life truly is good: golden and warm and colorful for the most part. If I live to be about 90, I am in the middle of my years. It's very exciting to think that I have at least 45 more of those years as an actual adult to learn and try and experience all that the world has to offer.

Right now though, one thing sobers me, and that is the state of this body of mine, this fair vessel of experiential amazingness. I need it to stay strong for another 45 years and my latest little piece of medical enlightenment has reminded me that nature is against me. I feel certain that this is why people have mid-life crises. I promise I won't go buy a motorcycle or anything, but sheesh it's frustrating to see your own super-powers start to weaken. A few years ago my doctor took down my family medical history; it is filled with many of the baddies such as diabetes, arthritis, high blood pressure, mental illness, etc., and said, with an almost gleeful interest in my potentially fascinating case, "Well, you're just a ticking time bomb, aren't you?" I didn't appreciate it much at the time, but feared she was right.

This week, the diminishing numbers ticked ever closer to that detonation with a straightforward diagnosis of arthritis. I've had bits of it in some of my joints for a long time, most people do. Now it is a constant thing and spreading-wrists, ankles, hips, shoulder, and most recently, back. I figured that some of the stuff I was experiencing was arthritis, and other things now make sense, such as the fact that I don't actually feel like doing anything at all in the mornings because it feels better to stay warm under my covers for a while, and that about 1 day out of 3 I just feel awful, like I have the flu. I have to admit though, it never occurred to me that the pain in my back was also the dreaded A, not something fixable, like the disc problem the doctor first suspected. Arthritis means it's permanent and will only get worse. Degenerative is the medical term. Love that.

What's to be done? Exercise (one of the great ironies of arthritis is that movement reduces pain and stiffness, but that pain and stiffness make it hard to move-thus it has been for me lately), losing weight, NSAIDs, and a positive attitude. At least until I find out if it's the Osteoarthritis I would get from my dad (and the universe in general) or the Rheumatoid type I could get from my mom. Then it would be a whole 'nuther bundle of fun, baby. Oh yeah.

I realize that as medical problems go, this currently does not rate too highly on the metric of drama and difficulty. Nearly everyone has or gets arthritis in some form. I'm still walking around and I can do everything I need to do. I know. I just need a minute to assimilate this information and adjust, because for me, having watched the bodies of members of my family be absolutely ravaged by arthritis in various forms, this is actually a little bit terrifying.

I'll get over it, though, because the good news is that those same family members are brave and amazing and incredibly strong, so I have a really good road map for how to handle things. I still get to choose how to live each day, pain or not.

So here I am, smack in the middle of my life, trying to enjoy all the sensations of a set of bones in middle-of-life condition. I can't worry though, I have to be ready for all the pending good times. I Am Middle-Aged! Hear Me Creak!

A Fall 2011 Road Trip, part 3

2011-10-25T09:18:00.000-04:00

Thursday-Sunday was Stitches East, one of the conferences where I teach. It is a fun, comfortable environment, and I have good friends there. I had fantastic students and lots of good experiences in my classes. I truly do love teaching, so I'm grateful for this opportunity that I have. Thursday started at 11 am with a speed-dating style introduction to the teachers so I got to meet about 100 students in a very short time and give them a little information about myself. That same afternoon I taught my first three-hour class. After that I did an impromptu photo-shoot for another teacher friend who had to send a project off for publication. Some of us went out for dinner, then there were teacher meetings in the evening, then off to bed. Friday was a full day of teaching a quick succession of one-hour technique sessions in the market, then helping out at the industry fashion show. Because the whole experience involves thinking on my feet all day, being with people I like and being inspired by the beauty and camaraderie of knitting, I find these long days mostly energizing. I'm tired by the end, but in a way that tells me I've done my best all day long. I like that feeling.

The pace continued into Saturday with another full day of Market Sessions, then the student banquet, where folks show off their own knitting creations. Saturday night usually includes a little relaxing time with friends, and that was a fun time. On Sunday, the mood noticeably changes as many students and teachers have already gone home or are preparing to leave. My first class starts a little later, so the morning is slower. My Sunday afternoon class is a very quiet, relaxed class that I love teaching because it seems to actually help knitters solve some problems and feel more comfortable about certain techniques.
I admire how hard they work and how curious they are about the process.

As soon I was done teaching, I raced to get myself together and got on the road right when I wanted to-about 5:30. I saw some but not all of my pals before taking off, but it's all good-I'll see them again in February. The trip was a predictable 6 hours and thankfully, my hip behaved and the pain held off until right when I got home. That was what I was praying for since I was driving alone and didn't want to have to stop every hour to walk around. I got by with one stop for gas and lots of good music and a big bag of yummy junk food. Traffic was kind of bad in CT, but there were no problems at all around NYC and the NJ turnpike.

Getting home was so awesome. Eric and Johnathan were still up to help me haul in all my stuff, and my little house felt so warm and welcoming. I threw my stuff in a pile in the living room, let my mind wind down a bit and went to sleep, turning over all the fun times of the last 9 days, but so happy to be back.

A 2011 Fall Road Trip, part 2

2011-10-23T09:33:00.000-04:00

Let me pick up the story of my 9-day odyssey up and down the east coast. First let me mention that I have not forgotten that I have a husband and 3 kids at home, but they seem to be doing just fine. We tend to be an independent bunch, but the occasional text and phone call has continually eased my mind that all is well. Sara went to a concert this week and had a great time, Ev spent time with friends, but his back is hurting again, so we'll have to return to the Dr. before wrestling starts up. Eric is taking in the first days of post-Bishophood with his usual sanguine attitude toward life. I'm sure it's been emotional for him, but he's finding the good parts and keeping busy. Yesterday he helped someone in the ward move, which is exactly how he would choose to spend free time, which I love. I've hardly heard from Johnathan, but I take that as a good thing. 22-year olds actually should be too busy to call mom without a reminder, and he is busy working and being scholarly, yay for him.

After the Sheep and Wool show last weekend I simply savored life with Erin and her family for a few days. Her husband was away on business, so it was just us women and the kids. It was deliciously cozy and comfortable to be there. I love her kids and my heart swelled with happiness each time one of them would snuggle in to let me read them a story or that adorable 18-month old would reach up for me to pick him up. Oh the joy. Seriously, I don't know what I would do without little children around me. Sometimes the fact that I've never grown up is a wonderful thing. Children just feel like my tribe.

Monday I took a few maternity photos for Erin and was grateful yet again for the view I get through my camera. She is truly beautiful, inside and out, and the privilege of trying my best to let the rest of the world see that about the people I photograph is something I hope I never take for granted.

One of my personal faves from our
photoshoot.

I thought this shot was a total failure, so
I laughed out loud when I saw the binky
in focus. What a deal!

I'm a lucky girl to have such a friend.

Wednesday night I drove from NY over to Hartford, CT for the last leg of my journey, Stitches East, one of my regular teaching gigs. So, since I have to start packing up, I will save that report for one more post.

A 2011 Fall Road Trip, part 1

2011-10-21T08:37:00.000-04:00

Today is day 7 of my big autumn trip and I have 2 days more till I go home. That's a long time. It's been good times though, and the family seems to be doing fine, so it's all good. I have a little time this morning, so I'm going to try and catch up on writing about it.

Last Friday I left home around 4:30 pm and drove up to one of my favorite places to visit-West Point, NY. My wonderful friend Erin lives there. The last two years I've gone up to visit for a day or so before heading over to Hartford, CT for Stitches East. This time I spent a glorious 5 days with Erin and her family because there were two shows on two successive weekends so I just decided to stay all the days in between.
I got to Erin's around 9 Friday night and we visited till way too late, but it was so fun to see her in her beautiful advanced state of expectingness and catch up and talk and talk and talk. Saturday and Sunday I worked at Nora's booth at Rhinebeck (the NY State Sheep and Wool Festival) and Holy Cow, was that a busy place. It brought back memories of working Cloverhill at our own MD Sheep and Wool festival. I didn't get to see a bit of the festival in full sway, only before it opened and after it closed. We were that busy. No walking around time, but it was fine-good to be busy. I had my new phone and with its extra antennas, it was the star of the show for processing all the credit card transactions, so I'm glad that worked out. Isn't Nora's shop pretty?

66 Months

2011-10-19T20:07:00.002-04:00

For almost exactly the past 66 months, up until this past Sunday, my husband had the unique opportunity to be the Bishop of our Ward. That means he was the minister of our congregation, except in our church, there is no paid ministry, so he did this in his spare time, as a volunteer, in addition to working full time as an attorney. He did all the things that ministers do--gave many talks, taught many classes, counseled the ward members, performed weddings, officiated at funerals, visited the sick and lonely, helped the suffering, oversaw all the staffing of the congregation for the children, youth, women's, missionary and men's programs, spent tons of time with the youth, collected and distributed tithes and donations, etc., etc.

I think about the fact that he was doing this in the margins and tiny spaces of time remaining after being gone from about 6:30 am till almost 7 pm every day just working and commuting.

It doesn't seem possible, does it?

But yet, it was not only possible, it happened. He did it and did it well; and in ways that can only be described as being the evidence of living a life of faith and covenant, he was still successful in his work, an involved and loving dad, and a great husband to me.

Yes, he was gone a lot. It is a huge responsibility. Fortunately, he is blessed with a thick skin, an even-tempered personality and a lot of personal security about his place in the world. He loved the people he served frankly and with all his best effort. For him, it was completely a privilege to have the chance to do something like this to serve his Heavenly Father.

Since I have a thin skin, a moody personality and no personal security about my place in the world, as I look back, there were plenty of days when I was less than the perfectly supportive wife that I could have been. Overall, I did fine and things were generally good, but yes, I had some hard days.

But Heavenly Father was aware, so there was always peace in the end.

In spite of my weaknesses, the balance sheet shows an increase. An increase in love, an increase in my ability to see the best parts of my husband, an increase in family closeness and unity, an increase in our temporal blessings, and many other increases. There are ideas in religion that are hard to understand because logically they don't seem to make any sense, but to someone who lives them, they come to make perfect sense. One of those is the truth that by giving and sacrificing and not being selfish, you actually gain more real rewards than you would have otherwise. In the scriptures (Luke 9:24) it goes like this:

For whosoever will save his life, must be willing to lose it for my sake; and whosoever will be willing to lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it.

To save my own life means to act without faith, to be unwilling to see life in a broader way, unwilling to believe that there is more out there than I can actually see with my human eyes. It's to be limited to the belief that if Eric is spending 10-20 or more hours additional per week doing things for church, that there must be less time for me.

To be willing to lose your life means to live the life that God wants you to live, with the understanding that He loves you and wants what is best, just like a parent. It means to remember that my Heavenly Father's math is not the same as mine and that the time he spent serving others also somehow strengthened our marriage and brought him closer to our kids. It really, actually did.

I like that that scripture includes the word "willing." That is the main thing God expects of us-to just be willing and try. Both Eric and I were as normal and human and imperfect as we could be. So, we just did our best. And that's the greatest tribute I can give Eric right now, is that he really, really did his best. He cares so deeply for the hundreds of people that he had living inside his head for all this time. He thought about them all the time and prayed about how to help them. He knew them all by name and could tell you something about every one of them who let him get to know them.

So, hopefully you can see, that this was a big thing for him and for our family. Culturally, in our church, people express one of two things to a Bishop and his family: Congratulations for reaching such a "prestigious" position in the church or condolences for having to take on such a terrible task. Neither sentiment fits in the slightest. There is no prestige in it, other than knowing that your Heavenly Father trusts you with this job. And even though it is hard, it is no terrible task. It's just the simplest, sweetest, purest kind of service-the kind that asks you to dig deep but gives richly in return. It has been a glorious time for our family, full of happy and sad experiences, spiritual maturing, opportunities to grow our faith, and chances to get better at loving other people.

He will miss this assignment a lot. Which is okay. That is another proof that he put all he had into it. I'm so proud of him for everything he did.

Here he is with the young women of the ward. He loves them
a lot, even though this is not a smiley photo. They saw his humor
and good heart.

The Benefits of Living on the East Coast

2011-10-11T08:15:00.000-04:00

Just now, my younger brother and two of his kids drove off into the early morning on their way to fly to his next assignment for the Air Force. It's a far-away assignment, but luckily for us, we live a lot closer to several major international airports than they used to be at their last location, so it worked out for Phil and family to make us their final base camp for 5 days or so before the big fly-out. What a joy it was. I feel such heart-deep happiness to have seen them, to have held the kids in my arms, to have been called Aunt Kellie (or occasionally Aunt Megan or Aunt Tina-sometimes they couldn't remember at first just which aunt I am), to have talked with my brother and just felt the ease and closeness of family. We will all miss them so much, but will smile for a long time as we think of the memories of this weekend.

Sara and O got some nail-painting time. O would call us,
"My cousin Evan," or "My Aunt Kellie." It was very endearing.

My sister-in-law before she and O headed
toward their new home a couple of days before Phil

Phil with his most adorable youngest son

The brothers, my nephews

L took charge of this impromptu little photo-shoot. He chose
the poses and kept asking for more shots with his little
bro.

Evan and J got along great. As Ev left for
school today he said, "I'm going to miss
him so much!"

Holy cow this baby is delicious.

He pretty much stole all our hearts

L was a genius with the legos. He is such
a thoughtful, fun eight-year old. I love
that we got to spend some time with him,

Late Night

2011-10-09T23:30:00.000-04:00

Late at night

I can get the dishes done without interruption

And make sure the house is set till tomorrow

Sometimes I love the quiet and the soft solitude

Of moving singly from room to room

Puttering and placing and parsing the busy day into something that makes sense

Sometimes I feel that way

But not tonight

Only one child said goodnight, and my visiting brother, too

Everyone else just slipped away

and I was left with a vague feeling of unrest

And annoyance

I clanged brusquely through the dishes

And complained madly in my head that no one had put the food away

But I didn't ask for help

I didn't realize I wanted it until I was all alone

And had time to think of the fact that

A particular challenge left me frustrated and isolated

And wishing for someone to talk to

Not peaceful and ready for bed

It didn't happen

No one heard my mental cries for company

So I'll write about it and go to sleep

And wake up to a new day

De Plane! De Plane!

2011-10-05T00:59:00.002-04:00

Last Christmas, my pal suggested buying our two boys Groupons for a flying lesson. They could use it as a Merit Badge for Scouts and have a fun day together in the bargain. It finally worked out to do it last week on a day off school. It was just great. We had a beautiful day, they were game for the adventure, and they had a great instructor. He took a half-hour or so to show them the fundamental parts and procedures of the aircraft itself, they they took off. J flew over the bay to Cambridge and Evan flew back over to Bowie. They were gone almost 2 hours. The smiles on their faces upon exiting the plane were absolutely priceless. It was clear that they had a great time. Thanks to M for putting it together and making it happen!

Joseph and Evan interspersed with our special guests for the
weekend.

Preston and Xavey keep the boys occupied

Till finally it's time for the lesson!

Flight Instructor Rob shows them their aircraft.

And tells about procedures.

They climb in and start the engines.

We all watch excitedly as they take off!

And then land again!

You can actually see their grins from 50 feet away.

The pilot, the students, and the aircraft.

A Sister's Weekend

2011-10-04T23:53:00.000-04:00

Two weekends ago, the younger kids and I drove 540 miles to a small town in KY to my sister's house. She moved there a little while ago to teach at a local university. My other sister lives about 3 hours away in TN, so she met us in KY and we had a little Sisters' weekend together. The occasion was R.'s birthday and her desire to visit the annual Spoonbread Festival of Berea, KY.

The drive there was a revelation to me. I have few memories of West Virginia, through which the bulk of the route winds, and other than the words of that favorite old song, Country Roads (almost heaven, mountain mama and all that), I don't know much about it. Goodness, it is glorious! You should go! A perfect interstate (I-79) threaded through beautiful mountains, over rivers and in and out of several small towns. We saw the eponymous haze of the Blue Ridge Mountains and noticed little villages in the valleys. It really was lovely. I used to love driving mountain roads-I found it so exciting. In recent years, I've grown more anxious and uptight about it and haven't enjoyed it as much. This time, on two sunny afternoons with the wide road carving through this beautiful place, I remembered that previous love of soaring through hills and valleys and kept my grip on the wheel relaxed and my foot off the brake. Sometimes the feeling of flying was real, complete with a wonderful swoop in my stomach when we'd crest a hill or slingshot back up after crossing a river.

I got to see my sister's beautiful house for the first time and felt happy for her success there at the university. My other sister is a amazing cook, so some fabulous meals were also on the agenda. Great setting, good food, and family. Check. Check and Check.

The Spoonbread festival was a charming local festival with authentic bluegrass music that we could have listened to all day, lots of great arts and craft booths (naturally I found some yarn), and of course the famous spoonbread. It's a kind of cornbread, but so soft and almost pudding-like that you really do have to eat it with a spoon and get every bit of buttery, warm and melty-in-your-mouth goodness. Ask me and I'll make you some.

My kids wanted to go to see their cousins and I'm glad they came along. They had time to hang out a bit and we all went and invaded the DQ where my nephew works and had Blizzards on a Saturday night while he had his break. I went the mini-blizzard route and tried two different flavors. Yessss.

It was a super-quick trip--we drove in on Friday and home again on Sunday, but it was worth the time. With all my siblings scattered over the entire nation, having 3 of us in one spot was a watershed moment and I'm glad we got the chance.

My cute niece tries the spoonbread...

and doesn't see what the big deal is.
"It's just cornbread."

My sisters and I, on the other hand,
enjoyed it thoroughly.

I love this picture of Niece and Sister
getting ready to watch the parade.

The three of us. I like this photo best of me...

but this one is better all around. So you get both cuz it's my
blog.

My kids just really, really love her kids.
They're so fun together.

An Account of My Not Blogging

2011-09-27T01:20:00.000-04:00

Every time I start a post, I can think only of the other things I need to do, so I go do those instead. I've been blessed with lots of photo opportunities lately, as well as lots of good knitting opportunities. I also still feel a bit like I'm catching up after all the travel of the summer and that surgery that was harder than I thought. (All is well on that score, by the way. Swelling is gone, cancer is gone, scarring is neat and minimal, doc says numbness will go away eventually.) I am down in the anemia dumps for the moment as well, which means that every time I stop moving around and am not frantically running from place to place, I immediately fall into suspended animation or slow motion or something that causes me to not move again for a long time. I'm back to taking my iron, so hopefully I'll have a little oxygen in my bloodstream again soon and be able to stay conscious. I'm just so used to feeling this way, it has to get really bad before I realize, "Oh yeah, this actually IS NOT normal."

Today I'm letting my heart be tender as my good friend has said goodbye to her dear husband after a long fight with Parkinson's disease. He died quietly and peacefully and is now free of a host of physical challenges. I like thinking of his spirit being free to continue learning and growing. I also like thinking of he and my friend together again someday. Jann and I visited with her today, and it was a special time for us. She is a woman of faith, and I have been impressed watching her go through this experience with a sense of gratitude, positive energy and love.

I have some trips to post about, some pictures I want to record here, and some things that I just want to write down, so hopefully I'll be back soon, but I probably shouldn't make any promises in case it's another 2 weeks. Here's a preview of one of the trip posts, anyway. I went to Kentucky last weekend to see two of my sisters and this is one of the things I found affixed to a storm drain in that fascinating place. If you can tell me what it means, I'd love that. I'm sure I can google it, but I'm too tired right now.

Lying Low

2011-09-12T23:26:00.000-04:00

I'm back.

Good thing, too. Stuff really stacks up when I don't write for a while. I realized I never did write about my birthday (the day of the great Mid-Atlantic Earthquake of 2011). Just before the Hurricane and my trip to Chicago I turned 45 and celebrated by spending the day at the Baltimore Zoo with my kids (I've lived here 41 years and had never been to that zoo). My daughter and her friend were sitting down, so they felt and saw the mighty temblor, but Evan and I were walking around and talking so we were utterly oblivious. We feel quite gypped. It took about 30 minutes for the communication airwaves to clear enough to start getting the texts and calls to make sure we were all okay. We were. Eric was as well, though his building in Alexandria, VA got evacuated and then traffic tangled up to a tense little ball and it took everyone forever to get home. We're a little jumpy here in D.C., give us a break. The highlight of the day was my brother wishing me a happy Birthquake. He's clever that way. All in all, it was a fun day spent strolling with my kids, talking to far away loved ones and listening to my phone beep every few minutes as it told me of my facebook birthday wishes. I do enjoy living in this fascinating modern age. Thanks again 3 weeks later. I love you all back.

I love those smiles at the antics of the bird. You're just never
too old for the zoo.

The nose is healing well. I think the scar will be nearly unnoticeable. It is already very faint, even while it is still in the midst of healing. Yesterday at church someone commented that my Voldemort bandage is gone. Good news all around there. I have had some headache problems, which is why I've not written much, but it's better every day.

Last weekend, we ran away on a whim to a small town in Western New York State called Palmyra. It is a place of spiritual significance to members of my faith plus it's just a peaceful, beautiful place. It is where a boy named Joseph Smith was confused about religion so he said a prayer and God answered his prayer in a pretty special way. It was gorgeous there. We learned a lot and remembered things that we already know. We met a missionary there who has been called to serve as a Facebooking and Blogging missionary. That was something new for me, so even I learned something. I love that.

One of the days, Eric and all the kids went up to Niagara Falls while I stayed at the little rental house and rested and knitted and got a large number of wedding photos processed. While they were out I made homemade lasagna totally from scratch (even the sauce) and was able to just savor the slow joy of good cooking without a particular time frame. It's one of my best memories of the weekend, since, over my lifetime, most of the dinners have been cooked under a certain amount of pressure between helping with homework and getting somewhere for the evening. I don't even feel like I missed out on the day at the falls because being alone in a quiet place was exactly what I needed.

Now we've had the second week of school and routine is starting to build its comforting walls around our activities. Things will go crazy occasionally, but now those routines will help us stay roughly on track. It's one of the good things about school.

Enjoy a few photos, but please remember that I was not actually in Niagara Falls. All the fun, beautiful shots at the falls are the work of my darling friend Stephanie. She's the dark-haired beauty that you'll notice in the photos with Johnathan below. I took all the rest of the photos.

I love this Sara Smile under a rainbow.

Sister Vaterlaus, the darling missionary who
took us on our tour of the printing shop
where the Book of Mormon was first made.

It matters a lot to me that this book was published,
available for anyone to read and find out about.

This is a Lake Stone House! For me, the collector of bits and bobs
from the shores of all bodies of water, this would be heaven! Look at all the
variety and color of these stones. I loved this.

A very old tree. Old enough to have been
a witness to all that happened on this farm in
1820.

Barn. Light. Beautiful.

Even bored teens look awesome in barn light.

Barns are even cool on the outside.

The Sacred Grove. If you don't know what that is, you can
find out here.

This place really is extraordinary. You should go.

This was the light that broke through as we climbed the Hill
Cumorah. Seriously.

And a rainbow over the temple. For me, beautiful skies are a
very tangible way of feeling God's love, so these moments
were meaningful for me. I'm so grateful I've been blessed
with the ability to express a bit of what I feel in photos.

This was the view out the window for the whole of the 6-hour
drive home. Turned out it was the view for about another whole week.
Welcome back, sun.

Not Exactly Alliteration, But Close

2011-08-30T22:38:00.001-04:00

That is the subtitle. Here's the actual title: School, Chicago, Surgery and Other Stuff. See? Almost poetic, but Sicago just doesn't sound right.

First, school. Today the teens started their Senior and Sophomore years. It was my daughter's last first day of school. That always gives me pause. Another one of my kids nearly done with childhood. Anyway, that's another post. Evan is into his second year of high school and went dressed quite fashionably for a boy who used to take pride in wearing the same socks for a week at a time. It's fun to see them grow up. I like them both so much--you can see below how likable they are.

Next, Chicago. My conference was great, in spite of my stress over Irene. I helped to present the Opening Day Spotlight with a jacket design project in which I participated with several other friends. We all started with the same plan for a jacket and every one of us came up with a completely unique product. It was really fun to work with these gals on this.

Photo by Lisa Mannes

In the end, I moved my flight forward a day because of predicted travel chaos, then when things calmed down, I wasn't able to move it back, so I was blessed with a lovely found afternoon to spend in downtown Chicago.

I began by parking at the North Ave. Beach Park where there is a beach house shaped like a boat, walked south on the Lakefront Trail to Navy Pier, took an architectural boat tour on the Chicago River and the lake and saw many of the great buildings of this favorite of cities. I then rented a b-cycle (as easy as grabbing a cart at the airport) and rode back up the trail to the Nature Museum, where there was another b-station location. It was a crystal-clear day with a crisp breeze and even though I would rather have been home in my heart of hearts, I really did enjoy this chance to just explore without an agenda, without having to be in charge of whether or not anyone else was having a good day, and just sort of go where the wind blew me. I tried to be in the moment and really drink in the sights, sounds and sensations of the city.

The skyline comes into view

Lake Michigan is, apparently, full of love.
I found lots of heart-shaped rocks.

Hancock Building

Wrigley Bldg. on left, Chicago Tribune Bldg.
on right.

Lighthouse on the lake

Skyline view from the SeaDawg

Stained glass in the Navy Pier gallery-
there is a whole installation of these
beauties in there!

Another gorgeous stained glass window.
This one reminds me of a quilt.

I like this view of the skyline because it shows both the
Hancock and Willis (Sears) Tower

a b-cycle station at the Nature Museum,
right by the Lincoln Park Zoo.

Me and my b-cycle. DC has rental bikes
like this and I think I may make a habit
of using them when I metro downtown.
It was easy and saved me a lot of time.

And now, last and probably least, Surgery. I had that BCC removed from my nose today. Everything went fine. Dr. Dawn and his darling helper Chinell carved an impressive hole in the side of my nose (I made them show me because I actually think it is interesting rather than gross), then he made a neat flap out of some of my cheek skin and sewed it back up again with many, many tiny stitches. So, now I can say I've had a nose job. Or maybe an under-eye tuck. But really, for the moment, I can say I Am Lord Voldemort. Check out this action. I think the bandage and the droopy eye due to the anesthetic make a very friendly look. The good news is that they got all the cancer cells, and any soreness has been manageable with a little ibuprofen. That's not to say that I won't be glad to be free of my dressing-that-must-not-be-named tomorrow, but I can't complain one bit about any of it. Thank goodness for my slight OCD about medical conditions and the miracles of modern surgery.

Keldemort

Waiting for Irene

2011-08-26T23:15:00.002-04:00

I'm in Chicago teaching at a conference. Irene the hurricane is on her way to my and many other hometowns. I was supposed to fly home on Sunday. I should have called earlier to change my flight. Now I've been on hold with the airline for 45 minutes. The website won't even let me in. Goodness. Apparently this is serious. The news is using words like "Extraordinary Impact on Eastern Seaboard." Wow. That's where I live.

I know my family will be okay because I went all ballistic and provident-living-ish on them before I left, with lists and things to do and gather and find, so they're all ready. I just wish I was going to be there with them. These are the times when I feel homesick.

As the saying goes, so shall I try, and to all my loved ones currently in the path of the monster, you're in my thoughts and prayers every minute, all the time. Hug each other and roast a s'more on the grill for me if the power goes out.

Today I'm Thinking About...

2011-08-21T10:28:00.000-04:00

Far away friends and how hearts can stay in touch even when busy mom brains have trouble finding time to do so. Last Sunday I got another golden hour with Ashlee (now from Texas) and it was wonderful to spend time with a dear kindred spirit and see her beautiful children. It matters a LOT to me that she took time to meet me. This is now two summers running that we've caught a glimpse of each other and I'll take it. This week also proved that even after SIX years without seeing each other, it can still feel just right to be together with a friend of my heart. This is Jill, who used to live here but now lives in Nebraska and her daughter got married this week. I flew out for the wedding and I'm so glad I did. We are still Punch and Judy and that makes me happy.

How much more comfortable I am looking at the world through my camera and how simultaneously fun and strange it was to not be in charge of photography for this wedding but how I couldn't resist and took 150 candid shots anyway because I just like observing people and capturing moments.

My cozy little home and my family and how much I really missed them on this trip, especially when I got delayed due to storms and had to wait an extra day to return. I could not get here fast enough and when Eric came to pick me up I couldn't stand to be alone one more minute while I was standing in line to find my lost luggage. I asked him to park and come in and he did even though it was a long wait and a big hassle and as soon as I saw him, then I really felt like I was home after my long, long day of rebooked travel.
My missionary boy, Sam. His letters THRILL me. He is positive and determined, focused and faithful. I often joke that my kids are turning out well in spite of me, but sometimes, in moments of peace, the truth distills in my mind that they actually are reflecting things I've tried to show them and that they are part of a chain of family strength that started a long time ago and now will go forward into the future. I'm grateful for that. Here he is back in June while still in the MTC (back row, far left).

The C word. Yes, Cancer. I have a tiny little Basal Cell Carcinoma on my nose that will be removed in a week or so by way of MOHs surgery. It's not a big deal at all because I found it early and it's kind of a "good" cancer to have, due to its slow-growth habits, but it sure makes you think, I'll tell you what. I've always considered myself a ticking time bomb for skin cancer due to my pale skin and reddish hair, so I'm kind of paranoid about bumps and things. I get teased about my constant checking and asking my family members about their skin, but this time it paid off, thank you very much.
Lots of other things, but that's enough for now. Sometimes I really do wish that Pensieves were real. I lose too many thoughts, but at least these few are saved.

A Sunday

2011-08-07T11:26:00.002-04:00

I woke at 5:30 today. My brain just turned on and we were off to the races for the day. I went downstairs to check on today's crock-pot barbecue that had been in its phase-one cooking stage all night and decided to put in more pork. Then I broke a glass and had run the vacuum at that early hour. Fortunately, no one heard me. It takes heavy equipment to wake my family on Sunday mornings, so all's well.

Said dinner smells really good as I go about the morning, which is both enjoyable and challenging since today is the day each month when I fast for a time as a form of worship. Soo-ooo I'm smelling all this porkliciousness and then trying to use it as a springboard to greater self-control and spiritual awareness. It will taste so good this afternoon, I guarantee you that, friends. That's part of the beauty of the fast. It actually feels good to wrench myself out of my constant prowl for snacks and tell my body that yes, I, the person, actually am in charge of I, the organism.

I did take some time after my silly wake-up to play some hymns on the piano, and then I snuggled up under the covers while letting some good, thought provoking religious words from here into my brain as I dozed.

Now I've put some bread into rise so we can have warm, crusty, inch-thick slices to ferry succulent barbecue to our mouths instead of just plain old kaiser rolls. I can't wait.

So far, it actually has been a day of rest. It was not always so, as you can imagine with five kids and trying to get them to appreciate a day of rest (hahahahahaha), but there are benefits to those years of crazy Sundays when the word Rest definitely had dramatic air quotes around it and the attempts happened through clenched teeth sometimes. I think now that my kids understand the reasons why we take a break from the busy, busy world for just one day a week and do other things. Different things. It is a day with a certain, specific feel to it-you wake and breathe and listen and know instantly that it's Sunday. I like that.

Book Review: Katish

2011-08-07T10:38:00.000-04:00

Katish, Our Russian Cook by Wanda Frolov
Genre: Non-fiction, memoir
You Might Like This Book If: You're a foodie (this is a collection of essays that were originally published in Gourmet Magazine in the 40's), you like stories of immigrants to the US and how they cope, or you like the writing style of the 1940's, complete with quaint illustrations.

I picked up this little book here solely on the beauty of the cover and wanting to read more about the romantic (to me at least) notion of having a Russian cook in my house.

I had a 4-hour flight last week and was able to read the whole thing in that time. I had brought it along just for the take-offs and landings, but it held my interest well enough to keep the knitting and laptop from ever making it out of the bag.

The writing is of the vintage of a Nancy Drew novel, with a kind of gentle humor and naiveté that was really refreshing and enjoyable in contrast to the complexity and sometime heaviness of modern writing. It is also told in terms of the food and cooking of this delightful Russian woman, and includes some really interesting dishes and recipes.

Katish, the eponymous Russian woman, is strong, funny, smart, loving and an obviously beloved influence on the author's life. I liked this little stumbled-upon memoir, and especially liked the little snapshot it offered of one kind of American experience.

Book Review: Blood, Bones and Butter by Gabrielle Hamilton

2011-08-05T21:59:00.000-04:00

Title/Author: Blood, Bones and Butter: The Inadvertent Education of a Reluctant Chef, by Gabrielle Hamilton
Genre: Memoir? She's just my age, so it's too soon in her life to be an autobiography, right?
Will you like it? You might like this book if you're a foodie, or if you like gritty tales of survival, coming of age, and lives lived outside of conventional boundaries.
Note to sensitive readers: It has a lot of profanity and some very, shall we say, earthy descriptions of the vagaries of restaurant life.

Gabrielle Hamilton is the Chef/Owner of Prune, a restaurant in New York City with just 30 seats and a huge following. She fell into the food and restaurant business sort of sideways and her story is actually really interesting. She decided to open a restaurant not because she was a trained chef with an ambition to have a show on the Food Network, but because she wanted people to be fed and actually nourished the way she felt nourished (after a period of near starvation while backpacking around Europe) in a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant on a remote Greek island. I really admire her lack of desire for fame and fortune. It really is all about the food for her. And the writing. The writing is beautiful. From the beginning, I couldn't put it down, so to speak. Actually I couldn't close my laptop because I was reading it on Adobe Digital Editions as an e-loan from my library. I guess we need some new terminology for this grand age of digital reading.

Anyway, as you might discern from the title, this is a highly visceral book and so sensorily sculpted that you can practically taste, see, smell and feel every single thing that she tells about. I really like that. I want to be able to use food the way she does-as so much more than mere calories. The way she describes the food in this book is gorgeous. She has not lived an easy life, but she is very, very, VERY honest about it (so hold on tight and be prepared to close your eyes occasionally). This quote from an interview in the NYTimes sums up the impetus behind the toothsome way she told her story:

Ms. Hamilton might scoff at fussy, doctrinaire belief systems when it comes to eating, but it’s safe to say that she does have a life philosophy, one that might be boiled down to the following roux: Life is messy. Get used to it.
“Books, movies, music, restaurants, advertising: something’s happened to us,” she said. “We’re not telling the truth. We don’t stink. We don’t have yellow teeth. We don’t have crooked teeth. We don’t have to suffer disagreement or pain or setbacks anymore. You can go to your doctor and get a pill — you don’t even have to be melancholy anymore, right? I mean, it’s just incredible what the new way of being is. We’ll see how that works out.”

I agree a lot with her chagrin at the sanitization of modern life. I like the idea of actually experiencing what is really going on around me. Not that I don't love my conveniences and the structure that my upbringing has given my own life, don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to be romantic about anarchy or going back a century or anything, but there is something to be said for remembering the origin of things, for having balance to all the crutches we have available to us, for occasionally having to be uncomfortable in order to appreciate comfort, to be hungry in order to appreciate being filled. There is a heartbreaking story in the book, when she and her husband are visiting Italy and they are in this impossibly beautiful old villa by the sea that is his ancestral home and there is one of those rooms in the middle of the house with no ceiling. She is looking at the stars and he is right there, under the sky, looking down and mapping the constellations on his computer with google earth or something. She mourns the inauthenticity of his interaction with the world in that moment. The way she writes it, in the context of their relationship, it made me cry.

The author's life is so completely, utterly different from my own, that one might think I would have nothing to gain from reading such a sometimes sordid tale, but I found myself intrigued, incensed, incredulous, impressed, and then finally, inspired. I may seem to have little in common with her on the surface, but we're both humans, so underneath our skins I'm more like her than not, and she reminded me with her telling of her messy life that I need to remember passion and to value what's actually valuable.

Family, Found

2011-08-04T00:29:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling fortunate.
My son found a wife who is not only perfect all by herself, but then as an abundant, amazing blessing, she comes with a family that we just adore.
A lot.
All of them.
(Hopefully we won't scare them because we like them so much.)

Anyway,
This past weekend they brought me out to California take wedding photos for another daughter.
I got to see my son and his wife, which I loved.

Jeff and Ashlyn, married 1 year

And I grow ever-fonder of this delightful daughter-in-law.

But after 44 years of living in my parents' near orbit,
I find myself still feeling a slight emptiness in a corner of my heart a year after their move.
Wishing for the particular comfort of extended family.
This weekend filled that little empty divot.
And I had a place for a while, an actual physical feeling of belonging.

And it was so sweet that frankly, I cried a little when I left.

25 Wonderful Years

2011-07-26T10:32:00.000-04:00

Yep, 25 years ago today, in the Washington Temple, Eric and I got married. Eric insists on the word "Wonderful" always being associated with the "25." Sometimes as a declaration, sometimes as a reminder, haha. And here we still are. When I asked Evan if he and his siblings had planned a big surprise party for us, he started slightly (there is no party planned), then said with a wry smile, "Well if we had, I wouldn't exactly be able to tell you about it, now would I?"

It's totally okay there won't be a party, and actually, his quick-witted answer rather delighted me. It made me think about how in our family, humor is one of the best things we have going for us. We laugh a lot.
I'm glad about that.

The first photo is from the bridal shower that Eric's mom threw for me. We'd been engaged a couple of weeks and while I was not at all expecting to be engaged at that point in my life, the strong friendship that we had established translated over to being engaged, and I think this photo shows that.

The other photos were taken by me and my self-timer as we stood on our front porch just before going out to dinner last night. I wore flowers in my hair to celebrate and we went to our favorite French place to eat great food and talk about regular stuff and feel grateful for our life together. The time together and the amazing food were our gifts to ourselves, and it was a great evening. The waiter got on board when we told him why we were there and brought our desserts with candles because he said it is a day for making wishes. That actually brought a tear to my eye. So we both wished for at least 25 more years and laughed some more.

1986

2011

A Friend Makes Anything Fun

2011-07-25T10:28:00.000-04:00

My pal Kirsten and I made a plan to spend a day together at an art gallery. We took the metro, made it to Dupont Circle (it's been a long time since I've been to that metro stop-the escalator is impressive-like going up into heaven), found the gallery with no trouble, and discovered that, naturally, it is closed on Monday.

Neither one of us thought to call.

Heaven awaits.

Just Kidding. Proper exposure shows it's just Dupont Circle.
But it is a BIG escalator.

Our hoped-for destination.

It's a gorgeous building.

Except for this bit.

But no matter. We had fun in Dupont Circle anyway (bookstore, fantastic burger, yummy bakery), and now we're guaranteed of another day together because the Eversave expires in a month or so.

There was plenty of other fun to be had.

And burgers to eat. Those are Sweet Potato Fries!
Fabulous.

And back we go into the metro.

So it's all good. And it was a reminder of this quote that I like. For us, this was a laugh and a lark. I treasure the time together, even though it ended up being what some might call "nothing," it was really a wonderful little oasis of refreshment in our busy lives.

The real test of friendship is: can you literally do nothing with the other person? Can you enjoy those moments of life that are utterly simple?
Eugene Kennedy

The answer is yes. I enjoyed myself completely and can't wait till Take 2!

What if Love Was Our Only Motivation

2011-07-22T08:28:00.000-04:00

This is the title of an address that was given earlier this year at Brigham Young University during their weekly devotional. I get these addresses via podcast, and finally caught up and listened to this one this morning during my own daily personal devotional time.

It was a powerful experience for me to consider, especially in light of the many possible motivations that are out there, whether or not my motives are always powered by love. Is such a thing even possible or practical while trying to live a normal, productive life? This speaker suggests that not only that it is possible, but that it will significantly improve not only our own life, but the lives of those around us.

It is tempting to turn inward and think only of protecting ourselves, of preventing personal hurt or embarrassment, or of working only for personal gain.

After reading and listening to this man's ideas, my mind and heart have opened up enough to think about things differently.

I love that I'm halfway through my life and I'm still learning. May it ever be so.

Foreign Exchange

2011-07-17T02:45:00.001-04:00

This week has been filled with the delicious excitement of arrivals.
Sara and Johnathan returned home from Spain on Monday.
They slept.
And talked.

And waited for their new-found friends to come.

And on Wednesday, those friends did come.

All the way from Madrid.

Later than planned, and tired and not used to the humidity.

But smiling and gracious.

I like them both so much, Jorge and Sergio.

The house is full again-5 kids here and lots to do:

Late nights and welcome meetings and swimming and visits to the city-we've been busy.

It will be gone in a blink, so I want to remember it all.

Johnathan was first off the bus when
they arrived home on Monday.

Sara saw Evan and dropped her bag...

and ran straight to him.

On Wednesday the Spanish kids arrived and there were
many reunions.

Welcome Sergio! We still need a photo with Jorge, one
of the Spanish chaperones, who is also staying with us.

Friday was a big party at Splashdown, a local pool with a
rocking waterslide...

And a rope swing.

And room for everyone to have a big, splashy visit.

Johnathan on the rope.

Jorge swishes out of the slide tube.

Johnathan does his best Superman impression.

While Sara looks more like an angel when she flies.

We love this photo both because of Ev's awesome
flipping skills AND the looks on the faces of the women
in the background.

Today we went into Baltimore to check out Artscape.
We took the Light Rail train which is sooo slow but easier
than trying to park downtown.

Artscape had all you would imagine a street
festival to have: Sights to see...

Hawaiian ices to savor...

Time to spend together...

and of course, Five-dollar lemonade that you can't
resist because your water bottle is
empty and it's so hot.

The train on the way home was crowded-we had to
stand for the first 20 minutes.

On the way out of the city, you see
everything from the urban landscape

to the wetlands of the Patapsco River...

Sometimes you have to wait for the next train to get to
your station.

But when you're with friends,
both new and old, it's all
good.

Johnathan at 22

2011-07-12T19:20:00.002-04:00

My second son happens to be living at home right now, so we had the opportunity today to celebrate his birthday with him. We pulled out all the stops for dinner and had grilled porterhouse steaks, corn on the cob, grilled zucchini, bread and my pal's outstanding homemade pesto. What a meal. I'm nearly asleep as I try to digest. While we take a break and get ready for cake and candles, Johnathan is allowing me to interview him.

Me: How was your day?
J: It was busy.
Me: In a good way?
J: Yeah, I never regret being busy. I was getting ready for Jorge to come from Spain. It was also fun to be able to give people gifts on my birthday as I delivered my presents from Spain.
Me: What do you see happening for you in the next year?
J: I see myself living on my own, preparing to move on to the next phase of my life. Sometime I want to get married a start a family, so I need to prepare for that to happen with work and education.
Me: What was something good that happened in the past year:
J: Returning home after serving an honorable full-time mission. When I say that, I'm also glad that I got home ready to keep going, knowing it was another beginning, not an end, and that I had put in my best efforts and worked my hardest.
Me: How do you most enjoy spending your free time right now:
J: In the company of friends with whom I have a lot in common.
Me: What's something you want the world to know about you right now?
J: That I'm secretly black. Just kidding. My real answer is that life is very good and that I'm enjoying it a lot.
Me: Anything else?
J: Nope.
Me: Happy Birthday!

Johnathan has always been a great person. I homeschooled him for 3 years and when he went back to school I genuinely missed having him around. He has a pleasant, kind personality, and he is one of the hardest working people I've ever met. He has a wicked sense of humor and likes to look for the positive aspects of every situation.

I'm thrilled at what a great person he's grown into and can't wait to see what life brings for him.

A Dead Cell Phone, an Unlucky Banana and Some Vegetables

2011-07-10T11:21:00.000-04:00

I'm sure you are intrigued.
Here's the scoop:

Friday, Evan and I took the metro down to the city to meet up with a couple of his friends. It was, overall, a great day...for a boy. For a mom, it was a great learning experience. Here is the summary:

Tip #1: Don't take a non-disposable water bottle to the Capitol. You can't take it in, even if it is empty (this is an actual travel tip so remember it-never have I seen so many disgruntled tourists).
Tip #2: If you do take a non-disposable water bottle to the Capitol, throw it away before you let your kid walk into the capitol to meet friends without you, even if you think he will only be in there for 30 minutes and then be right back out. Water bottles are cheap. Therapy is expensive.
Tip #3: Make sure your phone is charged. All the time. Just do it. Go charge it right now.
Tip #4: When the security guard at the Capitol tells you that EVERYONE will come out the same door they came in, don't believe her. There are TUNNELS to leave the Capitol. It is possible that, while you wait and assume your kid will just come back to the last place you were together, your kid is walking to the Library of Congress invisibly, right under your feet and then taking a train to the Lincoln Memorial without any knowledge on your part. See #3 above.
Tip #5: Remember that in Washington D.C, the most heavily guarded and paranoid city on earth, it is not a good idea to look desperate, crazy and unbalanced. Get a grip on yourself and try not to look like a terrorist BEFORE you walk up to a police officer to ask to use his phone to try and get in touch with your 15-year old son who is now on the other side of the National Mall, which looks rather small on google maps but is actually about an hour walk from end to end.
Tip #6: Remember that even if you made that previously-mentioned water-bottle mistake, you are still a smart person and can figure it out (10 minutes of walking, a 15-minute taxi ride and a 20-minute pedi-cab adventure later we were back together, on the train and on our way home) and that if the kid is smiling and thinks it was all a big adventure, it's not so bad. But go charge your cell phone anyway.

It looks so beautiful from this vantage point.

The Mighty Statue of Freedom

Pavement in the rain while I waited for Evan

People Watching Heaven

More People Watching as the rain started.

The Library of Congress. He was probably in there when I
turned around and took this photo.

So that was Friday.

And really, can anything be more gripping than accidentally losing your kid in the Capital of the Free World? Take a deep breath and prepare for the tale of the Unlucky Banana.

You probably already know this, but I did not. Bananas are the worst kind of bad luck on a fishing boat. It's true, but I, being unlearned in the ways of the sea, unwisely packed a single, deadly Musa acuminata polyploid in Evan's lunch for his Chesapeake Bay fishing trip on Saturday. It went unnoticed in his little cooler for the first part of the day but to the brave fisherman plying the waves for edible prizes, its effects were painfully obvious. Nothing but toadfish and a couple of spotfish for the first hour and a half of the trip. For anyone. When the banana was discovered, Evan was almost thrown overboard along with it for bringing such a deadly curse upon their fair vessel, but instead, they just jettisoned the evil yellow. True to its sinister nature, it followed them, floating ominously back to the boat. The owner gunned it for a full five minutes and they finally got far enough away for the power of the fruit-that-shall-not-be-named to wane. The other passengers avoided Ev for another couple of hours until he finally caught a fish, then gradually things turned around and the expedition was a success. The bottom line: With the cursed, thick-skinned thing on the boat, 2 keepers. After nature's not-so-perfect-food was properly exorcized, 62 keepers. SIXTY-TWO!!!

I tell you, I'm convinced and you should be too. Beware the banana friends. Seriously.

As if that wasn't enough to think about, on Saturday night my garden got some special visitors. It was so fun to watch these kids I adore climbing around the veggies, squealing with delight when they found something to pick. I loved it. My own kids' interest in the garden has waned over the years, so it is fun to have some younger ones nearby for whom it is still a novelty. It is really satisfying to see this tiny little patch of land be alive in so many different ways.

Evan's Day

2011-07-07T07:40:00.000-04:00

Yesterday (without my camera, sadly), Evan and I celebrated his birthday. I'll try to paint some pictures with words.

The day started out by me making him go to swim practice. His back has been sore again (I can't remember if I reported here that he's recovering from a stress fracture) so I didn't make him go earlier in the week, but thought he ought to go yesterday. I dropped him off at the pool about 5 minutes early, then I went home, grabbed a shower, printed out agendas for my meeting at 10:15 and ran back to get him.

I thought immediately that something was weird because usually he is outside waiting for me, chomping at the bit to go home. Not so. I waited a few minutes and didn't see him, then I suddenly noticed him at the back of the pool on a lounge chair, like he'd apparated there or something, because I had NOT seen him walk across the pool deck. I called out and he came to the car. Something still seemed strange. Then I noticed that he wasn't wet.

Turns out, and this just cracks me up, that because he was a couple minutes early for practice, he went and laid down on the lounge for a minute. He then proceeded to SLEEP THROUGH THE PRACTICE!! No one noticed him laying there. He woke up about a minute before I saw him, which is why he seemed to just appear out of nowhere. Too funny. What a start to the day. It's so surreal to watch him become so typically teenagery--sleeping on a dime and all that.

While I was at my meeting, he stayed awake and organized a party day with two of his best pals. It gives me such a happy heart to tell this story because he's known these guys since he was 3 or 4. We did a little home playgroup/preschool together many moons ago and they've just always been friends. The fact that he wanted to celebrate his 15th birthday with these two, his fellow Musketeers, helps me know that our decision to settle in this neighborhood, this little house, this ward and all that, was truly the right thing. Lifelong friends are rare and precious.

Lunch at Famous Dave's was punctuated by one of the boys sampling the hottest sauce on the table and living through it and lots of other laughs. There was much of shooting the wrappers of drinking straws at foreheads and quoting from The Emperor's New Groove (perhaps the greatest quoting movie EVER) and playing of the quiz game I keep on my phone. I raised my coolness factor by blasting my classic rock-out playlist in the car and giving them 10 bucks for the arcade at the movie theater.

The movie was X-Men: First Class which had plenty of action, a pretty good plot that significantly improved my understanding of the Cuban Missile Crisis (I always did suspect that Mutants were behind it) and the fun of watching Michael Fassbender (the new Mr. Rochester) and James McAvoy (Jane Austen's Crush in Becoming Jane) be all super-heroic. Nice.

The boys came to our house for a bit before heading off to church youth activities, then Ev ended the day by spending the evening at J's house.

It was a good time-I loved being in their company and seeing the world through their eyes.

Girl's Camp

2011-07-04T14:27:00.000-04:00

Every spring I wait hopefully for the phone call from a leader from church asking me to help out at the annual camp for teenaged girls. Oh, happy thought! I would go just to sweep the floors if they needed it. This year I went as an assistant to the head cook and it was big fun. The three of us who were the Kitchen Help got on extremely well and pretty much laughed our way through every course. We called ourselves the Three Foodstuffs. It won't take you long to guess that I was Stuff-n-Nonsense. There was raucous, doubled-up guffawing, goofy aprons and, at one point, tiaras and rhinestones in the mix as well. Hopefully you get the picture. I know my pal Lancer got some photos, so hopefully soon you can get a more visceral idea of the mood.

In addition to the much-anticipated chance to work with my cooking compatriots, and of course the unforgettable experience of hanging out with a wonderful group of very bright young ladies, I think the reason I love going so much is that camp to me, more than anything, is a straightforward demonstration of how heartfelt service makes unimaginable things happen in literally miraculous ways. It's exactly how I imagine heaven. Well, sort of. Without cots and sleeping bags. And with better showers. But you know what I mean.

Anyway, this camp is run every year entirely on volunteer power. Under logistically and statistically impossible circumstances other than those that can be handled by volunteers. That means that you couldn't actually pay us enough to do what we did. Love was the only possible motivator. The fabulous woman who organized everything does not have a degree in recreational management or anything like it. The women who handled the ups and downs of getting the girls through the week are not professional counselors. The fabulous guys who came as our heavy lifters and fearless protectors are mighty men of business who usually wield smartphones rather than wrenches and pipesnakes. The only qualification to do this is willingness to help out. And the love. Seriously.

In spite of the fact that no adult in the place got a night's sleep of longer than 3.2 hours for the whole week, the whole staff was joyful and united. I'm not kidding. After hours of doing other things for the girls, just about every adult that passed through our kitchen offered to help us do something. It's astonishing when you think about it. They could have and probably should have gone and put their feet up, but instead they took up rolling pins and knives and sponges and made cinnamon rolls and green salads and washed industrial-sized sinkfuls of dirty dishes. It makes me sigh thinking back on it, because these are high-quality people.

Community is so important. I hope you have one. Church, School, Neighborhood. Whatever. I hope you have people for whom you can occasionally get out of your comfort zone and just serve. Who would do the same for you. Like so many in this modern world, I have no family within many hundreds of miles, and it weighs heavy on me sometimes-who would I call if something really serious happened? This week I remembered that there are people I could call. And they'd come running. At 3 in the morning. With a rolling pin or a pipesnake if necessary. Just like I'd go running to them. That's a good feeling.

Here are a few shots I was able to get on the way and on brief, unaccompanied forays out of the kitchen:

The idyllic Pennsylvania countryside

In the middle is a goldfinch perched on the weeds.

Driving these roads to the park is a favorite experience.
I slow down, open the windows and breathe.

This is a pretty covered bridge along the route to the park.

The hillside at our campground.

The girls around the campfire.

The view down the hill.

Sunset through the trees.

Clouds at Sunset

My pal, the brilliant cook-in-charge.

Blue skies over PA.

Evan at 15

2011-07-02T22:28:00.000-04:00

A birthday interview between me and my youngest on the occasion of his 15th birthday.

Me: How was your birthday this year? (It was this past week)
Evan: Awesome. Probably my favorite birthday ever. (He was at EFY, a church camp for teens.)
Me: What's the best thing about your life at 15?
Evan: I'm halfway through being a Teacher.
Me: Why?
E: Because that means I'm almost a Priest. I can't wait for that. (He's not planning on becoming a Catholic priest, he's referring to his path through the offices of the Priesthood as administered by my church, which is held by all worthy males over the age of 12.)
Me: What was something good about the last year?
E: (while texting on his phone) A lot of stuff.
Me: Such as?
E: Um, another year of EFY.
Me: Anything else?
E: Um, Jeff getting married? I don't know.
Me: How was your freshman year of high school?
E: Awesome.
Me: Anything specific?
E: No.
Me: What's your favorite way to spend your spare time right now?
E: No answer.
Me: Ev?
E: (annoyed) Whhhaaatttt?
Me: Repeats the question.
E: (sleepily) Nothing.
Me: Are you too tired for an interview right now?
E: Yes.
Me: Okay.

So there you have it. A typical conversation between me and my boy. I missed his birthday in person this year, but he had a great day. The text I got from him after I sent him the birthday song, one line at a time, all throughout the day, was absolutely effervescent with happiness. Really. So, I'm glad for that. He and I have a week alone together coming up while Sara and Johnathan are in Spain, so we'll see some movies and have some lunches out and properly celebrate as much as we can.

Right now Evan is a fun, full-featured young man. He is smart, witty, free-spirited and extremely enjoyable to be around, yet he is also incredibly organized and focused in school, having just completed a rigorous freshman year with a gorgeous GPA. He's athletic and friendly and enjoys being around his family. He makes me smile. I can't imagine life without him and honestly can't believe he's growing up so quickly. I remember him as a calm, happy baby who smiled constantly and basked in the attention of his older sibs, and now he's almost as tall as me and on the cusp of manhood. Time does not fly, it actually just disappears.

He's fallen asleep over on the couch next to me and I can honestly say that even at 15, my kid is still adorable when he sleeps.

Happy Birthday Ev! I love you!

My Slightly Vida Loca

2011-06-24T08:29:00.000-04:00

I used to love this song by Pam Tillis. I put it on my player if you're curious.

If you're coming with me you need nerves of steel

'Cause I take corners on two wheels

It's a never-ending circus ride

The faint of heart need not apply.

The song came out just after I'd had my 4th child and Eric was in law school and life was actually crazy.

Now that lyric comes to my mind mostly when I have weekends like this and have to get so much done in such a short time that I do feel like I'm rushing everywhere, squealing around corners and generally being crabby so my family and other companions actually do need nerves of steel to come with me.

It will pass. Everything will be fine. But be warned. I'm on a bit of a short fuse.

Right now I'm avoiding several large and important tasks (and trying to calm my nerves) by doing a little blogging, but I do have to get back to work for the day.

I'll end on this thought from a talk by Lynn G. Robbins, a leader in my church:

"Many of us create to do lists to remind us of things we want to accomplish. But people rarely have to be lists. Why? To do’s are activities or events that can be checked off the list when done. To be, however, is never done. You can’t earn checkmarks with to be’s."

So true. But he also said that what we are is the motivation for what we do so the two are inseparable.

Today I want to remember to BE my best self and remember why it is that I'm DOING all this stuff. Then it will be joyful and meaningful rather than just plain crazy.

All Directions

2011-06-21T22:56:00.000-04:00

My kids are going everywhere.

I spoke briefly to Sam this morning. I was hoping he would call from the airport on his way to Cali so I stayed home, checking the caller ID for odd numbers from a calling card or something. It showed up as Pay Phone and Johnathan answered the call. sounded so great. His flight from Salt Lake to Phoenix had been delayed which would have meant missing their connection onto Orange County, but someone was able to get all 17 missionaries heading to Anaheim onto another, direct flight to Orange County. So, as I write this, he is going through the flurry of activity that means he's reached the mission field. He was picked up by the Mission President and his wife, who will be in charge of his health and safety for the next two years. He then probably went to the Mission Home, where the president and wife live. They probably fed all the incoming missionaries a good meal. Tonight there may be a meeting with whatever missionaries from that mission who are heading home tomorrow. Sometime in the next 24 hours, he'll meet a new companion and get settled in a new apartment, then hit the streets of California to try and help, serve and uplift. I found this little gem in an Alaskan newspaper, and it gives one of the best explanations of what a missionary's intention is that I've ever read.

This afternoon Sara and I ran mad errands to get her ready for her trip to Spain. Her Euros for ready cash are squared away. Her new luggage is bought. A travel-appropriate purse that still meets her style requirements was found. The voltage adapters are bought. She needed a new camera, so that's on the way. Whew. It's been fun to spend the time shopping together and I'm so excited to think that in a week she'll be walking under the Spanish sun.

Sunday afternoon is the big send-off to Spain for Sara and Johnathan, then bright and early Monday morning, Evan and I leave for VA for him to attend a week-long church retreat and then after dropping him off here, I'll head here for my church's Girls' Camp. I'll be assisting in the kitchen as we make and serve meals for approximately 120 people over the course of the 5-day camp, run completely by volunteers.

Eric will be home all alone for a few days. He was wandering around muttering to himself about what he's going to do with himself, but I think he'll be just fine. He can cook for himself, loves quiet time to read and catch up on shows, and time for long bike rides.

In between all the other preparations, I have been baking batches of muffins to contribute to the effort to feed the girls next week. My friend is in charge of the food and she's doing a lot more cooking than me, so I'm happy to help by making a total of 108 muffins by the weekend so they can get frozen and ready for transport up to PA.

It's both intensely gratifying and a little terrifying to see everyone off on all these adventures. Our times of constant togetherness are just plain over. That's the fact of the matter. Now we have new adventures and new relationships and new pathways to keeping our family close to work at and look forward to. I'm excited about the possibility of new traditions, of knowing my children as adults, and of knowing that they got the strength to go and do these things from growing up under my wing.

Time for them to spread theirs.

Of Strawberry Fields, Sunsets and Saturdays

2011-06-11T07:10:00.000-04:00

There are all kinds of ways to feel close as a family.

Last Saturday we had it this way: An afternoon all together. Well mostly. Johnathan was at the beach with his young singles group from church, but since I try to think of him as an adult who happens to be staying with us, it works out that he was doing his own thing.

The rest of us, however, made a plan to go strawberry picking. Sara was taking the SAT in the morning, so in the afternoon it would be. It wasn't quite as hot that day, so later on would work out just fine.

Larriland is a comfortable 35 minute drive from our house, and even though I knew it would be crowded (it was), it was familiar and accessible. They listed the picking only as fair that day (an accurate assessment) and we got a little lost trying to follow the signs to the new strawberry field up the road from the main farm, but only for a minute. Just remember to look for this:

I was a little disappointed by the crowds, mostly because I would rather be by myself, but certainly there were enough berries for us all.

All of us got to work in our assigned rows and in short order we picked 20 pounds of mostly perfect berry-ness.

As our reward, we headed to Soft Stuff Ice Cream Stand for cool swirls of simple, creamy perfection, some dipped in chocolate, some turned into floats, and some twisted onto cones.

It just felt nice to be all together in the same place.

Last night it happened again. The togetherness way. What was going to be a busy night with everyone going in different directions turned into a lovely surprise dinner with Eric's sister and brother-in-law, unexpectedly in town for a conference. The fact that they live far away made it an easy decision to ditch all other plans and focus on family. We headed down to the National Harbor and ate at Grace's, an upscale Asian-fusion kind of place with fantastic bathrooms and a HUGE wall of windows that allowed us to look out right onto the Potomac and the beautiful setting sun.

Evan, my picky eater, ordered and miraculously ATE duck (we were hoping it might come out like the one in A Christmas Story, and we might have sung a chorus or two of FA RA RA RA RA..., but it was just nice tidy cutlets.) and Sara, my ever-adventurous eater, conquered this denizen of the bay: a whole rockfish. We spent almost as much time photographing her posing with it as she did eating it-hilarious!

So, thank you to Bob and Cheryl for figuring out that you weren't going to be way down in VA, but just down the road. It was great to see you both and spend the evening all together!

Now, onto today. In contrast...Lots going on. A more usual kind of Saturday for us. Swim meet, kids off on outings, meetings for church and all the rest. We will hardly see each other, but it's okay. It's all good stuff that we're doing, and I'm glad that we have the balance of days to play and days to work. My stomach is all tied up in knots right now because swim meets make me generally nervous, but once I get there and get my job figured out, I'll feel better. Some of us will be busier than others, but we'll all keep in touch and even though there won't be many moments of togetherness during the day, we all come home in the night and we all wake up here in the morning and this is still home and that is what matters.

Sinking In

2011-06-09T21:45:00.000-04:00

I've been taking an online class called Soul Restoration and it has been a great experience for me. This week I'm working to finish the last couple of lessons because the second part has started up and I don't want to fall too far behind.

I have to admit I was skeptical at first. I usually avoid psychobabble and bestseller-type self-help stuff. Like the plague. But, my good friend whom I trust recommended it. And I just love making things. In bright colors. Just for fun. So I decided to fully commit and bought two fresh jars of Mod Podge for the journey.

I'm so glad I did. It has been such a delight and here's why:

I work pretty hard to keep my overlarge right brain under control with things moving along in some sort of order, and sometimes I think that process makes me really tired. I keep to my lists and feel the pressure of getting everything done and just a bit of the twinkle goes out of my eyes because it's so not my natural way. For this class, however, my less linear side got to be in charge. And just in case you were wondering, an unfettered right brain, a stack of art supplies and a jar of Mod Podge can have some serious fun. The eye-twinkling kind. I found the projects to be freeing in a way that really got me thinking about the ideas put forward in the class. Nothing taught was revolutionary or rocket science, but for me and my visceral, emotional self, it worked to get me thinking about some habits I'd like to break, some skills I'd like to put to better use, and some things to feel more settled and satisfied about. It worked better than just reading and making notes or watching a video. I had to work with my hands WHILE I was thinking about things, and stuff has started to sink in.

For example, last night I worked though a lesson and had one of those head-slapping duh moments that are often a portent that I need to get myself together in some way. I sometimes have these senses about my life, that something's coming and I need to get ready. I'm feeling that way now, and I feel like my experience with what I wrote and thought about was one of the road signs on the way to Ready for Whatever it is. I feel motivated to work on some of the organized side of my life with all sort of artsy, free-form reminders to keep my thought processes going in the right way. Like Mary Poppins for my mind, complete with her spoonful of sugar and magical bag. I can picture myself actually getting things done, but I'm pretty sure there will be kite-flying involved.

I can deal with that.

Book Review: Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me)

2011-06-02T08:06:00.000-04:00

Mistakes were Made (But Not by Me) Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts
By Carol Tavris and Eliot Aronson
Non-Fiction, Psychology and Behavioral Analysis

You might like this book if you want to consider your own tendencies when you make mistakes or you are interested in learning more about the concepts of self-justification and cognitive dissonance and how these affect both the lives of individuals and society.

This was not an easy book to read (listen to), but not because of difficult language or complicated concepts. In fact, the authors did a great job of explaining their thesis in clear terms, without psychobabble and without a sense of arrogance. The reason this book is hard is because it is about a hard subject-how we respond when we make mistakes. Ugh. Uncomfortable. Since we all make them, however, it seems an important and universal subject to tackle.

The book investigates mistakes made on all levels, from those that affect our marriage and other personal relationships to those that affect whether or not our country goes to war. The universal human condition seems to be one of seeking to protect ourselves from the pain of cognitive dissonance (having two opposing, right/wrong ideas vying for space in our brain at the same time) by engaging in self-justification. We tend to think that mistake=failure, so we get creative and think about mistakes in a way that allows us to not think of ourselves as a failure, as stupid, or as unworthy. This leads to a lapse in integrity and we become unwilling to take full responsibility for our actions and thoughts.

The key to solving this problem, say the authors, is to learn to understand our cognitive dissonance and either resolve it or live with it rather than lying or sidestepping to avoid it. It is essential to come to think of mistakes not as failures but as learning experiences on the road to good judgement and be willing to admit to them and rectify the damage done.

Heavy-duty stuff, and stuff that life is full of every day.
Still hard, though.

Overall, I think it is a valuable book to read and consider. I would have liked it if fewer examples came from political hot subjects of the last 50 years or so, but I understand why those examples were included. It just seems to me that politics is SO subjective during the generation in which it is happening that for me the power of the example was diluted based on my opinion of the situation. When the examples came from older history (where we've had longer to think about and understand the full complexity of the situation) or from personal experiences, they had more applicability for me.

My favorite chapter by far was the last one. It summed things up very well and put into context the many ideas put forward by the authors. It acknowledged the challenges inherent in trying to do better at handling our mistakes and gave some clear direction on learning those skills.

What a weekend!

2011-05-31T17:45:00.000-04:00

My heart is full and overflowing.
Another son has left for a mission for our church.
To celebrate, we took many photos, spent time together as a family in the temple, took more pictures and tried to just BE together.
One acquaintance with 4 sons often said to me, "That is one reason I could NEVER be a Mormon. I could never let my sons out of my orbit for 2 years-it's barbaric!"
I know how weird it seems.
But look at his face, that body language, that confidence.
He's ready to change the world. Why would I stop him?

This is a nineteen-year old goofball boy who still takes genuine joy in audible flatulence and wants me to scratch his head and back every single day.

I will miss that for a while. (The latter, not the former.)

But I truly, truly wouldn't have him miss this for any amount of back-scratching or keeping him in my orbit.

Take Luck, Elder Nuss. I love you!

Friends stopping by

The boys he grew up with.

The last moment in the airport. I waited till he couldn't
see me to cry.

With the sibs and his pal from high school

He's in the air right now.

Adventures and Good Times

2011-05-28T11:21:00.000-04:00

I made my first bike trip to the grocery store on Wednesday and it went pretty well. I used our old Kiddie Kart trailer and it worked like a charm. This trailer is very easy to haul-I hardly felt it behind me, even with 20 or so pounds of produce on the way home. I feel like I could haul a lot more if I needed. I always really liked it for the kids, so I'm glad we kept it. Next week I want to try riding to one of the farmer's markets, even though I'll have to take a longer way to avoid roads. PS, I will be SO glad when this project is finished. I found myself right in the middle of the construction and it was highly annoying. Fortunately there is another path to the store that was untouched, but I can't really ride to the lake, which is one of my favorite routes.

I did forget my bike lock cable so my brilliant solution was to stash the bike completely behind the store, out of sight, then I cleverly wove all my bungee cords through the spokes of the wheels and frame, then dashed into the store for my few needed items, secure in the knowledge that by the time any would-be thief had untangled all the bungee cords, I would be back to the bike. Either no one even noticed the bike or my brilliant plan worked, Bwahahahahah.

The next time I went out I did remember my lock, so hopefully it will quickly become a habit. I've co-opted an old kid's backpack as my cycling pack and the lock fits in there nicely. So far, I love the freedom of being on a bike-no parking worries, wind in my face, etc. Gorgeous.

Thursday was a scouting trip to a new photography location: Turf Valley. A friend is getting married on Monday and asked me to take her wedding photos, so we went and looked around. It was fun to talk with her about what she wants and get a sense of the location. I've known her since she was 3, so it is pretty special to be part of her day.

Yesterday was a day for celebrating as I went a high school graduation at which several kids from our church youth group were being honored. I got my ticket from my darling friend Amanda, and I'm so glad I got to be there to cheer her on. It was a major triumph and a huge day for her.

Afterward was a bridal shower for the friend mentioned above. It actually kind of takes a lot of motivation to get me out to a shower but this one was a can't-miss and so I went and it was awesome. Friends I haven't seen in months were there and it was comfortable and fun. As usual, I may have talked too much and laughed too loud, but I sure had a nice time because we were all laughing together.

There are some more sweet times to come as we spend today and tomorrow together as a family and then send Sam off on his mission on Tuesday. I should have lots of photos to post!

Outside

2011-05-25T07:00:00.001-04:00

It is finally starting to feel as if spring has properly come.

Yesterday I rode my bike to Savage Mill instead of driving and it was wonderful to feel that air blowing past my face again (especially since my hip didn't hurt a bit).
My wild hope, now that my only driving-around car is the truck, is to start running some local errands when I'm by myself on my bike. I set 5 miles on certain roads as my radius (pretty much meaning NOT Guilford Rd. between Vollmerhausen and Oakland Mills-scary).
LIbrary, post office, Weis, Harris Teeter, Savage Mill, here I come pedaling.
I'm even hoping to use our old kiddie-cart that we never got rid of to haul some groceries home occasionally.
We'll see. Me and my big plans.
But those gas station receipts are making me really sad.

I found my first ever pair of cycling shoes that ACTUALLY FIT my feet.
You have no idea what a triumph this is. I have always loved riding my bike and ever since Eric taught me the power and efficiency of clip pedals (you can PULL up as well as PUSH down when you pedal), I've enjoyed riding that way but oh, those skinny little Italian racing shoes drive me nuts. In recent years, there have been more sneaker-like shoes for mountain biking and commuters, but alas, still too narrow for my short fatties.

Leave it to KEEN to be my rescuer. I feel like they have a mold of my foot in their factory because all of their shoes just work for me, which is really saying something. When I found that they had cycling shoes, my heart leapt. Now I can clip my feet to my pedals and yet still feel the blood pumping in my toes. Joy.

The yard and garden are wonderful right now-the weeds are small, the earth is damp, and the bugs are not too big and squishy yet. The peonies and roses have been glorious. The time spent patrolling and puttering is quiet and contemplative, but yet my mind is active because I'm thinking constantly of what comes next, what I need to do today, what I can change, etc.. I love the moments I can spend there.

Right now we are harvesting:
Spinach
Lettuce
Parsley
Thyme
Cilantro

In the summer we'll have:
Slicing tomatoes (brandywine)
Canning tomatoes (roma)
Grape Tomatoes
Zucchini
Yellow Squash
Peppers
Cucumbers
Pod Peas
Green Beans
Carrots

Then hopefully in the fall we'll have:
Pumpkins
More lettuce and spinach
Broccoli

I hope you have some good outside times today!

Better

2011-05-22T11:25:00.000-04:00

I'm still fighting something, but I feel a bit better. I'm taking my vitamins and have tried to rest whenever I had the chance. I had a few commitments that were really important to me, so I was glad I felt good enough yesterday to make it through the day.

Yesterday morning the boys got back from their annual father-son campout with dramatically uncombed hair and smelling of smoke and trees and fresh air. I was especially happy to hear the stories of my big boys playing with the little boys-of Xavey and Daniel and Preston and other piling on top of Eric and Johnathan and Sam and Evan. It's one of those sweet I-must-have-done-something-right moments when I know that my kids' hearts are big enough to love other people's kids. It's important to me. I was loved by so many special adults and older kids and I remember how it felt to be important to someone who didn't actually have to love me, but instead chose to be my friend.

After they got home I headed out to teach a sewing class for a group of women. I was expecting about 10 people for the class, so I printed handouts and designed the class for a medium group and even asked a friend to come help me teach. Only 2 people showed up for the actual class, plus 1 who came to sit and sew. I have to admit I was a bit disappointed for a quick moment because of how hard I had worked to prepare. It was tempting to think that I could have been home in my bed instead of there teaching a class that didn't even bother to show up. But fortunately, I serve in church because I actually love these people as much as I love God and really, whether faith comes into it or not, it's just one of those things that when you choose to volunteer for something, you have to give your all, even if it doesn't go the way you thought it would. Usually, something comes back to fill up any empty spaces you might feel. This happened for me almost immediately and the temptation passed quickly away--in fact it was a lovely afternoon. The 2 who were there to make the project I had prepared were friends that I really enjoyed spending the time with in a more personal way. My sweet friend Julia who came just to help me made me feel loved and valued by her willingness. I noticed that she got to spend some quality time with Deb who came just for the company and it was all very cozy. Lisa is a new friend and Brenda is moving away soon so it I'm truly glad it went this way and we got the chance to sit by each other and sew for 3 hours.

The afternoon was spent getting groceries for today's big birthday celebration for Sara, Sam and our pal Stephanie, then, with only a brief break to change my clothes the evening went toward helping out at a youth dance with kids from all over central Maryland. It reminded me of how much I love being among teens and seeing their goodness, even at a dance. It was so nice to chat with the girls from my congregation in a different setting than when we as leaders are trying to teach them or help them accomplish their various goals. It was good just to watch them play.

I got home tired but satisfied. This morning I slept a little late, got the cake made for the Birthday Trifle, and just finished giving the Birthday Ribs their rubdown with fragrant spices. I will pop them into a slow oven just before I leave for church. It will be another full day, but full of all the things that are important to me-family, friends, faith, learning, caring for my loved ones, hearing them laugh together, and all that. So it can only be a good day.

Here's what I've been watching while I rested this week.

Blegh

2011-05-19T15:40:00.000-04:00

I came home from a youth activity last night, sat on my bed to wind down and fell asleep, in my clothes, glasses on, the whole bit. I proceeded to have bad dreams about all sorts of odd things and woke up feeling rotten, still with my glasses on my head. Head pounding, sore throat, body aching, swollen lymph nodes all over my body, tired beyond belief, etc. Yuck. I suspect it is just allergies because I have no fever or anything, but man, talk about the proverbial freight train. I definitely feel like it just hit me.

Naturally I had a whole day planned and went through with some of the more important plans (thank you ibuprofen), which was a good thing, and I still have to get Ev to a PT appointment, but then I am crashing for the night. I'll put a frozen lasagna from my emergency stash into bake for dinner and Hit. The. Sack.

I will think about that blessed sensation and it will get me through the rest of the afternoon.

I say again, Blegh.

Road Trip!

2011-05-17T10:50:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time, two sisters that everyone thought were twins when they were growing up both got married young and had 5 kids in about 10 years, lickety-split. Sometimes this sister lived far away and I got to go to Utah to see her youngest be born and sometimes she lived close-by and our kids had endless sleepovers and time together. Now our kids are almost all grown up. Over the years our kids have been good pals, good cousins and a lot of fun to watch together. Now this sister lives about 500 miles away, which is kind of far when life is busy, but this weekend, the kids saddled up and made the trek because Sam and Josh just needed to see each other. They will both be serving missions in the near future and may not see each other for about 2 1/2 or 3 years. It was a good thing because you know, family really does matter.

The Best Sound

2011-05-16T14:38:00.001-04:00

I would have to say that, far and away, my favorite sound in the world is my children's voices. Still. After all these years. I'm sitting here catching up on emails, waiting for a load of laundry to finish, taking care of some record-keeping tasks for the young women's group at church, and suddenly I heard that sound.

I hadn't realized the time had come and school was out but I heard Sara and Ev talking as they came up the path and to the door. Evan came in the door singing and laughing at the same time.

I'm so grateful I got to be here, ears and all, and be in this moment.

A Visit and a Journey

2011-05-13T14:13:00.000-04:00

We found out last weekend that my parents would be coming in from Arizona to visit the area because of the funeral of a dear old friend. My dad would be speaking at the service. I thought maybe they would come in for a night or two then head back, but they stayed all week! It was such a lovely surprise and a wonderful time with them.

We realized that they had never stayed as guests in this house because, well, up until last year, they had their own house in the area. So we got to haul out the air mattress and get them all set up in our family room. They are very easy-going about things like that and everything worked out great.

Monday we just visited and ran errands and such, then Tuesday was the funeral, which was perfect since that was my last day of class (more about that in another post). That night was a fun family dinner at Cheeburger Cheeburger, a favorite spot.

Wednesday a gorgeous day so we decided to get away to Brookside Gardens. It was actually my first visit to the gardens. I've been to the playground nearby at Wheaton Regional Park, but never here. It was lovely. I got all my love of gardening and flowers from my mom, and a deep appreciation of the natural world from my dad so it was great fun to walk the paths and hear them identify all the plants they knew and curiously note all the names of the unfamiliar ones. I saw many, many things I want to find for my own garden. There was so much in bloom and it was an altogether pleasant way to spend the day with my mom and pop. I love seeing my mommy in her pink hat!

After I got my folks out the door to the airport very early this morning, I got on task to get my kids out the door for their latest adventure. Since Sam is leaving for his mission in a couple of weeks, he wanted to see his cousins in Kentucky. So we planned a quick trip since today is a day off school. Everyone got up and got themselves together so they could leave as soon as Johnathan got home from taking a final. The goal time was noon and I was really proud of their work to get ready. Sam kept hollering a friendly countdown to keep everyone aware of the time and they drove away at 12:14. Amazing. I was going to go with them, but it just worked out better to stay home to help with some things here. So, Eric and I get a surprise weekend all to ourselves with an empty house. He asked me what I wanted to do tomorrow and all I could think of was jobs around the house. I need to be more creative.

It's weird to think that I can just pack my kids in a car and let them drive 540 miles away all by themselves and know that they'll be fine. I'm a little anxious about the long drive, but they are good kids and seemed thrilled at the prospect of an independent road trip. I don't know if it is wise or macabre that I wrote down all the details of their outfits and took close-up photos of them (like I used to do whenever we visited a big tourist attraction or amusement part) before they left just in case there is an emergency, but I did and I feel better knowing I have that information.

Hopefully, they'll remember to take a few photos while they're with the family.

2011-05-10T08:08:00.000-04:00

I needed a walk last night in the spring sunset air

with the trees full-leafed and sheltering

I think my heart was just tired of so many different feelings from recent days

and I needed to give it a rest

I have to go slowly now because of constant pain in my leg

and back and hip and as I thought of how I used to run these trails effortlessly

my heart was even heavier and I almost turned back,

not wanting to drag such a weight around

But the glowing sky with flocks of birds racing the sun to roost

and the blooming wild roses all along the way pulled me along,

step by step till all the pain finally became a kind of dull rhythm

that I could choose to ignore.

I can walk for just 12 minutes and find myself sitting in the middle of a tiny river

with trees on the banks

and even though evidence of people is all around,

nature triumphs in small ways and someday,

this place will remain, even if we are all gone

I thought of that, of how the ugliness of the litter

and the big work machines and torn-up earth of a major infrastructure project

have tainted this place and stolen some of the peace

But that how soon, it will be hard to know where the damage was done

because the plants want to grow and the land will return to equilibrium

And so I perched on a rock with the water all around me

and searched for my own return to the place I was before

But I realized that the water is already passed-there's no turning it back

There is no return to yesterday, there is only drawing on the strength of yesterday,

the remains of days past that form the growing place for tomorrows

I fought that for a minute, reaching stubbornly again for time to turn back, for things to be unsaid, for miracles to change the direction of a step, for everything to be different

But it just won't be

It will only be now

Not different.

I cried, finally, and the tears were good ones

When my eyes cleared, I knew I had to go before the dark rushed in

I remembered to look for my silly rocks,

you know, the heart-shaped ones and saw them all over the place

I started home, carrying rough-sculpted little hearts that remind me

to look for love and hope in the most unlikely places,

and feeling lighter and less tired

A Museum Visit

2011-05-09T06:27:00.000-04:00

There have been several things of late that are deserving of their own posts, so I'll endeavor to catch up a bit, even if things are out of order.

I signed up to be a chaperone on Sara's field trip to one of my favorite museums-The Smithsonian American Art Museum. I turned in the permission slip weeks ago and then sort of forgot about it. On the Tuesday before the Friday of the trip, the teacher called and said that yes, they needed me. I immediately changed around my schedule and decided that yes, I would forfeit 4 hours in the darkroom because the bottom line is that you just don't give up a chance to be in your teenager's near orbit for 6 hours. I love seeing her with her pals and listening in the snippets of conversations and all that. Love it. So, two Fridays ago, we went. It was a perfect day, a friend of mine was one of the other chaperones, and Sara was in her creative, artistic element.

Another bonus was being able to go on a docent-led tour. I never think to be that organized when I visit a museum on my own, but it was so worth it. She guided us through the museum with a specific theme based on the art teachers' request, and it was fascinating to look at the art with a context and a sort of structure. It made it so that I didn't feel like I had to look at each thing. It was okay to just look at the pieces she had selected for the tour and understand them in a new way. I will try to remember to make use of these amazing volunteers the next time I go, and I've added something else to the list of things I want to do when I grow up-she seemed to be having a lot of fun. Here are some of the pieces that either moved me or made wonder about the process or that were just magnetic enough to pull me over to get a closer look:

The Swing. This one looks like a simple drop cloth
but the colors are gorgeous, and any gallery
that acquires it can hang it however they like. So, the artist
allows his vision to intersect with the vision of the curator,
making it into something slightly different each time.
It's a fascinating idea.

Forgot to capture the info, but if you look closely, the
white figures give the appearance of people. Is it a
landscape? A battle scene?

Yay, knitting in fine art! But she appears to have three
single-pointed needles in use at the same time, so
either the artist made a mistake or she was doing something
really unusual.

I loved the way that D.C. looked through the
sunshades on all the huge windows in the
museum. It was like the cityscape was part of
the collection of artwork. The shades made me
notice it more and look more closely rather than
ignoring it.

This and the following two are of the same artwork. It is
a painting done on the floor and wall of an entire room.
This image shows that it is done in many colors.

However, when the computerized light show starts, the
color of the filtered light turns it into a single-hued scene.
There are also three dimensional elements that change as
the light moves and casts shadows, so even though it is
one static piece, just moving the position and color of the light
makes it a living, breathing piece of art that changes moment by moment.

And now it becomes all reds and oranges.

At first I was sure this was a favorite artist,
James C. Christensen, but it is not. It is another
artist named Sarah Paxton Ball Dodson and
was painted in 1891. The similarity in style to
some of Christensen's contemporary work
was really striking to me, so I'd love to know
if she or even just this painting are part
of Christensen's inspiration.

Even the floor tiles were awesome. This whole museum is
a great space, with lots to see. They have a section called
the Luce Center that is what's called Visible Storage, so you can see
many more paintings than the museum can display in the typical way.
It is arranged with special glass cases on several floors around
an atrium like the stacks in a library.

I find this place very inspirational, with many pieces that I like to come back and see over and over again, but also a wealth of things that are new and different each time. Plus it is attached to the National Portrait Gallery, so you really get two, two museums in one. You should go sometime.

Seventeen

2011-05-04T06:09:00.001-04:00

It hardly seems possible, but today my second youngest and only daughter turned seventeen. We had a regular day, but she was blessed by many small expressions of love from family and friends. We aren't big into gifts just for that day, but we did take a favorite treat to the youth activity to share with all her church friends. She spent the day in school, interacting with friends, doing homework and helping out at a service project. In that way, the day was a microcosm of her life right now-she spends most of her time doing those very things, usually with a wonderful sense of humor and joy about life. She's not interested in a birthday photoshoot, but I adore this imperfect shot from our outing on Monday night. I framed an ordinary shot of the azaleas and she danced down the stone steps to join her brothers and made it into a totally different photo. I wasn't expecting her, but there she was, adding a light-hearted sweetness to the scene. In much the same way, she danced into our boy-centered world all those years ago and I felt indeed blessed to have one dear daughter. In spite of an ultrasound during my pregnancy that indicated she was indeed a girl, after 3 boys, I refused to really believe it until she was in my arms. She continues to add so much to our family.

Pleasant Days

2011-05-03T21:12:00.000-04:00

Lately, the days have been characterized by a lightening perhaps, or a slowing. Things have eased up and there is some margin around the edges of my comings and goings. It has been sweet to have 4 of the 5 children home for a brief time-to see their relationships now, as older siblings, and notice that, for the most part, they are good friends. Well, when they're not driving each other nuts of course. On top of all those good things, we've had days in a row of warm, spring weather that just can't help but lift the spirits.

I'm getting to the end of my class at HCC and I am ticking off the number of images I have to have developed, printed and mounted by next Tuesday with a little bit of end-of-semester angst, but even that work has been pleasanter than it was when everything was happening at once. I've made some new friends in the class and that helps me to look forward to those long hours in the darkroom making print after print after print. It will get done, and maybe I'll have a few images worthy of showing off in this space.

The concession stand at the high school is all but done for the season. I'll start to move things and get rid of the expired stuff and shut everything up for the summer, but that can be on my own time. This volunteer job has been a good learning experience, but I have to say it was it more than I bargained for, for poor pete's sake. I've told them I can't hold this particular position again next year, but hopefully I'll be able to help in some way, because I do like having my kids see me at the school, being involved in the community. This just took SO MUCH TIME-sometimes 10-12 hours a week, and that just felt like too much with Eric serving as Bishop and me taking classes. I really did like meeting new people and working hard, but I just need to not be in charge I think. I did do my best, though, and think I did a pretty good job, so that ends it on a very good note.

My garden is off to a great start this year, thanks mostly to the fact that my pal without a garden is going to be my veggie-growing partner this year and what a difference it makes to have someone actually excited to do this work in the dirt! I tell my kids that the lettuce has sprouted and they glaze over just a bit, nice as they are. I tell her and she responds with genuine joy and excitement! So far, in addition to the lettuce, we have snow peas, zucchini, spinach and summer squash up and growing. This weekend I'll pick up some tomato plants at the Sheep and Wool Festival, and maybe a pepper or two, plant some cucumbers, and we'll be nearly set for now. We've already got parsley (self-sown from last year) and thyme (pretty much a perennial for me) up and ready to harvest, and the cilantro and dill self-sowed again last year and I've got tons of each. These may not look like much now, but we planted them with our very own hands and it really is a kind of thrill to see them reach for the sun and want so very much to grow.

Lettuce

Peas

Zucchini

Spinach

Easter Weekend

2011-04-26T06:41:00.001-04:00

Sam got home from BYU on Friday, so on Saturday we had everyone together for an outing. We chose the Udvar-Hazy Hangar of the Air and Space Museum out by Dulles Airport. It was a lot of fun, including seeing some serious flying machines, an IMAX film about fighter pilots and lots of time to just hang out.

Everyone at the balcony of the hangar overlooking the
mighty SR-71 Supersonic Recon Aircraft, seen in the
next photo.

This aircraft really is amazing. On its last flight,
from LA to Washington DC, it set a record
by flying that distance in just a little over
an hour. That's almost 2200 mph. If it needed
to evade a missile, it just accelerated.

A rare photograph that includes me. In front of a real
space shuttle orbiter.

The brothers being matchy.

Sara and Evan squinting into the sun
so I could get a photo.

I like this sculpture at the Udvar-Hazy
Center. I think it is called Ascent.

This is one of the Concorde aircraft.
Eric was fortunate to be able to fly
in one of these, a British Airways
version, before they were retired. It was a
fun experience for someone who used
to help design aircraft.

Sunday we had a lovely day of remembering Easter in all its religious and cultural splendor. The Easter Bunny switched things up and made an egg hunt for the kids to find some treats, and everyone good-naturedly participated in the fun. My kids are just heroic that way-always participating in traditions and family fun even when they are probably too old for it. I appreciate that about them.

There is an egg perched between the side mirror and the
the car window. Evan can't see it. Everyone else can but
it is one of his so they can't claim it.

He still doesn't see it.

Finally, when everyone came and stood right by it,
he figured it out.

Church was wonderful, full of reminders of why I do what I do every day. Eric spoke in Sacrament mtg. and I gave a lesson to all the teenaged girls. I think it went well. I made these brownies as a sort of object lesson about appreciating your own unique talents and they really are amazing-a delicious, fudgy, dark chocolate treat-those usually make the best object lessons. You should totally try them.

Our holiday dinner went off without a hitch-traditional with all the trimmings-Ham, scalloped potatoes, artichokes, asparagus, homemade rolls, deviled eggs, yum.

I hope that you had a delightful Easter with your family and friends and that even if you don't celebrate the spiritual side, that you are feeling the joy of springtime and are considering the wonderful reality of having a fresh start.

A Lovely Tuesday

2011-04-20T08:28:00.000-04:00

Yesterday could go down as one version of a perfect day for me. The pace was slow, but I got a lot done, spent time with the kids and just in general felt like the world and I were in harmony.

I woke up at 5:15 because I can't help it, dozed, read and caught up on email till 8 when I called my son at college (at his request) to make sure he didn't oversleep and miss a final. I found out that I have a snooze button as he asked me to call back at 8:30. I did and he assured me he was really up. I looked for webcams of the Boston Marathon to try and find my friends who were running. I didn't see them, but wished them well as I snuggled comfortably in my warm bed. Thinking about all that running must have had a soporific effect because I actually went back to sleep until the decadent hour of 10 am! I can't remember the last time that happened. I finally roused myself for real and spent the bit of remaining morning puttering around in the garden, officially beginning the relentless battle against wild strawberries and dandelions that will last until about December. I thrilled to see that nearly every branch of our little apple tree has blossoms. I am hopeful for shelves full of golden applesauce this winter. So far the consensus is to not plant a new tree after losing our other apple tree over the winter. I'm still leaning toward planting one, though I think there are enough other apple trees in the neighborhood for proper cross-pollination. We'll see I guess. I like having a tree in front of the window, but the kids are enjoying the open view and more light.

I am running a veritable plant nursery this year as I try to shepherd some new hydrangea and lilac bushes that grew from the ones I have into becoming independent entities. It's always fun to get new plants for only the cost of my labor and time. I love the thought of a whole giant hedge of lilacs across the back yard.

In the afternoon, Evan made banana bread pretty much on his own with just a few consultations from me. He is quite a baker and likes to make crumb cake and a few other favorites as well. We had so many bananas that we got 4 loaves, half plain and half with chocolate chips. That was pretty much all we ate for the rest of the day. I think I could actually live on banana bread. I like Martha Stewart's recipe with sour cream in the batter. I haven't been able to mess it up, so it gets the vote as the official family version.

Later, Evan had practice and Sara went to a friend's house so the house was quiet for a while and I could do some fun art projects for an online workshop I'm taking. Practice ended early with a sudden thunderstorm and downpour, but it's just as well as Ev is nursing a pulled muscle in his back.

True Confessions:
This is how I work on art projects. I sit on the floor with my
supplies in a fan all around me, put the towel over my lap
and create away. The thing I'm currently working on is an
art journal about things that are important to me.
(It's sitting there in the lower right)
It's been fun to do.

After working in shifts on various loose ends, laundry and decluttering, the day ended pleasantly with me and the kids watching Harry Potter 7.1 while I crocheted on a blanket that will go to either my about-to-be-born nephew (any minute now) or my soon-to-be-born niece (July).

I went to bed feeling satisfied, appropriately tired instead of exhausted, and excited for what the morning would bring. I like this kind of day the very best.

We thought we might get 5 loaves, but we ran out of
sour cream.

He suddenly looks much more teenager-y
than little boy-y.

He's a very precise child, so this is how he
laid out the butter to soften. Love it.

We have a wheat grinder in the house again, so we added
a bit of WW flour to the batter. It worked out just fine even though it
was still just a bit too coarse. I'm still fiddling with the new
machine.

The fruit of his labor.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig

2011-04-18T13:59:00.000-04:00

I do feel a bit like doing a jig. I'm so glad to be home after this last trip. Not that the trip was in any way unpleasant, because it wasn't--it was great (teaching in Atlanta)--it's just that I'm happy to be home and feel sort of settled again. Stitches South was one of the last things on my Large List of Gigantic Tasks to Complete, so it feels good to have it checked off. Spring break begins today and we've been so busy lately that everyone agreed unanimously that a few days of nothing are in order. Today we have been puttering in the garden and reclaiming parts of the house that have been buried under the layers of whatever is most urgent, but in short spurts and definitely not according to a schedule. It's kinda nice. Later in the week we'll head into the city for some sort of outing, get ready for Sam to come home from school, and be able to have a day together with Eric. That will definitely be nice.

I'm so very pleased to have a break from class this week. I can write my paper about Margaret Bourke-White, take some more photos to develop and catch up on so many little things that have fallen by the wayside in past weeks. Today in the garden I got my freecycle-obtained stella d'oro lilies planted, moved some black-eyed susans and hostas, and cleaned up perhaps an actual ton of leaves and sticks in my yard. I moved rocks, counted how many lilac shoots I have that need to be moved and discovered that my clematis vine has reproduced. I'm not sure if that is by new growth from the root system or by layering (when a branch touches the ground for a long time, it actually puts down roots and starts a new plant). Anyway, the happy news is that I now have several clematis vines that I have to move somewhere.

There's lots more to do, so it will be an everyday thing, but that's okay. It becomes a little piece of quiet each day that I look forward to. True, it will never really be done, but it also never stops providing me with pleasure and something to look forward to.

So all in all, I love my garden, untidy and slightly neglected as it is right now. My little ritual at the end of all shifts of garden work is to take a minute and sit and look and see how things look and what needs to change or just enjoy the colors and textures and the way it feeds my soul to have things growing around me. Today I saw some trees that need to come down and decided for sure to buy a new hammock. I noticed that two of my neighbors have dogwood trees about to bloom, and relished the image of the future golden glory of the flowers I just planted.

My Organizing Project

2011-04-10T11:41:00.000-04:00

There is still a cute button over on my sidebar that will come down later this week. A while back I joined a challenge at simplemom.net to clean out 5 hotspots over the course of 5 weeks. I started out whole-heartedly, cleaning out my closet to a degree that it hasn't enjoyed in years. It's actually staying neat, too. I love that.

Throughout the 4 weeks after that, a new hotspot was revealed each Monday morning with the challenge to conquer the clutter in that area by Friday of the same week-working quickly, being decisive about purging, etc. After the closet was the kids' stuff, then the paper clutter, the refrigerator and pantry, then for the last week, a hotspot of my choice.

Sadly, I have to report failure, at least in terms of the time frame set. As I've complained about over and over in this space, the last month has been really strange for me in terms of my time being given over to things outside of my home. So, after my great results the first week, I fully intended to do the other projects. I took photos of before. I downloaded the lists, I put blocks of time on my daily task lists. But none of it got done.

But you know what? I love my closet. That one thing has made such a difference for me. I solved my ironing problem, I have a better sense of what I actually wear and don't wear, and have continued to downsize my wardrobe.

So, I have to look at the upside and say that I did as much as I could at the time and it made a difference. Maybe I'm just making excuses to ease my own mind, but so be it. I officially excuse myself. I did my best and what I did accomplish brings daily good feelings. Do I want the good feelings from tackling those other jobs? Sure. But at another time. Until then, I'll revel in my perfectly functioning closet and keep working on the other stuff like I usually do--a little at a time.

Wrestling

2011-04-07T22:33:00.000-04:00

Tonight was the wrestling banquet for Evan's high school team. It was such a great event, with good food shared, comradarie enjoyed, kind words spoken, funny stories remembered, and a general nice feeling. The other parents are so nice-even though I'm not so outgoing at things like this, I do like helping and being useful, mostly because it is such a good icebreaker and I can get over my shyness and get to know people. In addition, there are strong boys on the team and hardworking guys doing the coaching, and my boys have all benefitted from the rigorous program at our school. Evan had a tough first season, but he came out of it fully invested in the team, ready for more and having learned that losing is not the end of the world. Here is another of my big projects of late-I was the team photographer and sorted through the more than 1200 photos I took during the season to come up with this:

All Hail the Groupon

2011-04-07T07:39:00.002-04:00

This July, Eric and I will celebrate 25 years since our marriage. As Eric always appends, "25 WONDERFUL years." He means it, too, bless his heart-it's the one thing he says that's never sarcastic. It seems strange to say, but it has gone very, very quickly. As in a dream almost. I look back and years compress into moments and moments into memories that seem as fleeting as drops of water running down a window through which I'm viewing my life.

There's a lot about 1986 that I want to remember though, so we've started celebrating already. My knitpal Gwen and I were going to go on a teaching cruise through the Panama canal and our husbands were going to come along and that was going to be the big, over the top celebration for the silver anniversary. But it didn't sell, so we're not going, so I have to come up with another way to mark the occasion. April especially is important in that year, because it is when I got home from my second year of school to find Eric home from his mission and already pretty much a part of my family. I think if we hadn't gotten married, my dad might have filed adoption papers. He was always hanging out at my house, playing with my siblings, helping out my folks, etc.. At this point there was no romance between us, so it was actually kind of annoying at times. But it was all part of the master plan, and he has been a blessing to my family ever since. Some of my siblings were so young at this point that they can hardly remember life without Eric in it.

Anyway, back to the celebrating. Since more is better, so far I've settled on the idea of going on lots of little trips throughout the year. I decided to kick things off by buying a Groupon for a Baltimore B&B called the 1840's Carrollton Inn and this week we had a fun, 21.5 hour extended, overnight date to Charm City, the City that Reads, the Greatest City in America or as Eric (being from Chicago) calls it, a lousy little shot & beer town (so unfair). I instead chose to Believe, Hon, and we went into Baltimore and had a lovely time.

I actually love the city of Baltimore, in spite of Peter Angelos, its much maligned reputation and stupid slogans over the years. Because I grew up mere yards from the city line, I went there often as a child, grew comfortable and familiar with its roads, thrilled to its rich history and found myself proud to be a Baltimoron. (I mean Baltimorean, of course). I can slip into a local accent fairly easily and am able to translate for outlanders who are puzzled by residents warshing things in wooder and drahvin' downyaishin doring the zummer. (washing things in water and driving down to the ocean during the summer) I like that it has recognizable and unique neighborhoods that work to maintain their uniqueness and local flavor. I don't think there is a Starbucks in Fells Point yet. Long may it be so.

This little gem of a B&B was on the edge of one of those neighborhoods--Little Italy--so we were able to walk through the breezy, quiet streets to have dinner in a great little restaurant called La Tavola. It was amazing food, from the goat cheese and walnut salad all the way to the chocolate mousse. I highly recommend it if you need a night away from the suburbs. We woke up the next morning at the decadent hour of 8 am and had a fabulous, cooked-to-order breakfast in a cozy dining room resplendent with beautiful fabrics and luscious details.

Our room was great. I chose the Caton Suite since I grew up in Catonsville, and it was fun to read the historical explanation on the plaque outside the room and thumb through the more thorough history in the hotel book on inside the room. Here is proof that we were there:

Eric grins cheesily in the entryway.

The hallway leading to the main part of the suite

Eric is amazed by what a good deal we got-all this for the
price of a night at the Holiday Inn Express.

The view outside the window-these
blossoms were
up and down Lombard Street

We capped off the day with a quick drive up the Jones Falls Expressway to the Baltimore Museum of Art. I took lots of photos, but on film, so hopefully a few will be printable. We looked at lots of wonderful art, enjoyed the blooming magnolia and cherry trees outside the building itself and then got home before the kids arrived from school.

It was just enough to leave me feeling refreshed, with a bit of time to think about something besides my list of to-do's and focus on my love-my husband who works so hard to make all my dreams come true.

25 Wonderful Years indeed.

Book Review: Jane Eyre

2011-04-04T13:20:00.001-04:00

Jane Eyre
By Charlotte Bronte
Adult fiction, romance, gothic

I just this moment finished listening to Jane Eyre. It has been my companion for the last few weeks as I've knitted on projects and proofed photos at all hours of the day and night. I listened to the Librivox version #3, read by Elizabeth Klett. She's a favorite narrator and I always think she does a fine job. I really like supporting Librivox and have the distant dream of maybe volunteering to read a book or two for them someday. I do love reading aloud.

I haven't read this since my teen years, so it was a delight to immerse myself in the crystalline language and passionate ups and downs of Jane's extraordinary journey to love. I especially like that this book is very nearly a fable--reminding us that passions and emotions must not be allowed to rule our lives, but instead, if we stand by our morals and beliefs, good things will come to us, even if not by the easy path. In this day of instant gratification and relativism, I loved reading an authoritative voice declare in such gorgeous language that being good has rewards and true love can actually conquer all.

It is the story of an unfortunate little girl. At the beginning we find her orphaned, living with her resentful and abusive aunt, then packed off to a worse boarding school called Lowood, then getting out of there to become a governess at a distant estate called Thornfield. There she meets Mrs. Fairfax, Adele, and, most importantly, Mr. Rochester. He is the master of the hall, enigmatic, athletic, energetic and ruled by a mysterious melancholy. Of course, he and Jane fall in love, but that's just the beginning. Mr. Rochester has a big secret and the story takes several unexpected turns, which I'll let you discover on your own.

If you've never read it, I highly recommend it, if just for your cultural literacy to be complete. There are things in there that are still referenced in modern culture, even today. If not for that, then read it for the love story, the utter Englishness of it, and the fact that it is just a great old novel.